DAY 16: Trials and Tribulations

I’m convinced that there’s someone out there chanting my name over a voodoo pot.  I’m not a superstitious human being, but there must be some explanation for all the obstacles which are forever chasing me.

I recently collected my car from the garage after some invalid decided to parallel-park next to me, simultaneously taking out my entire bumper.  It was almost a ‘hit and run’ episode, but thankfully the cameras (posted on every corner of the office park where I work), caught the fool on tape, and forced him to admit his crime.

Upon confrontation, he tried to offer me a parking lesson, ignoring the fact that my car was parked lawfully and his happened to swallow up three quarters of the pavement – totally obstructing the ramp for the disabled.

As I raised my voice sternly, he withdrew like a tortoise to its shell; I’m assuming my weight had something to do with it.

Almost two weeks into the second month of the year, and my son is rushed to hospital for an acute asthma attack.  Back on antibiotics and a strong dose of steroids, we returned home and are on the path to recovery.

I almost ran over a woman who was attempting to cross the road – mobile in one hand and a cigarette in the other, who accused me of negligence? 

And finally, I arrived at work exceedingly late, and my bank manager calls to verify my existence on this planet.  Apparently someone with the same name passed away last night, and my manager was following up with a call to see, “if it was me who kicked the bucket.”

I assured her that I was alive and well, and that all my monthly payments (due to the bank), would continue as normal.

I was trying to find some element of hope which would encourage me to get through this bizarre day.  My wife called to confirm my presence at lunch; boiled chicken with lemon – how tempting.  My work colleague is painfully quiet today – thankfully, there’s no food association there. 

A friend of mine has invited me to her newly launched diner, and I’m tempted to attack her sizzling barbeque pork ribs. No sexual connotation there...

But, every cloud has a silver lining.  Mine happens to air tonight at 9pm in the form of “Dallas.”  I am seriously obsessed with the second series; intrigue, sex, greed, power, vengeance – everything you could ever wish for, crammed into a forty-five minute episode (and, in high definition).  But what concerns me is the future absence of Larry Hagman – the devious J.R. Ewing.

The producers of the show have reported that Dallas will culminate with the death and subsequent funeral of the veteran actor.  Larry Hagman had already finished filming most of his scenes for the second season, but the show had to undergo script and production changes to deal with the actor’s absence.  The production team has decided to devote a full episode to the death of Hagman’s iconic character and the fallout of such an event on the show’s fictional universe.

Although I am finding it difficult to conceal my excitement for tonight’s show, I remain concerned as to the life-span of television’s most successful primetime epic.  After all, is there life after J.R. Ewing? We’ll have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I’m back on solid ground.  That ‘witch’ who is brewing up my stew of trials and tribulations better take into account that I have a stream of followers who are supporting me (on my diet and through my blog).  With so much support, it’s almost impossible to fail.

My grandmother once said: “Problems are given to us to test our strength.”  If that’s the case, then I better gear up for a thicker coat of skin. 

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  

For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com