DAYS 274 – 294: On and Off!

After a lengthy absence from the blogging scene, I have finally re-entered society with an unusually positive outlook on life.  I’m not implying that I have miraculously won the lottery, although an injection of cash into my drought-stricken bank account would certainly limit the repetitive calls from my conceited bank manager, but my sudden weight loss has steered the ship of optimism towards that blinking light at the end of the tunnel.

My love for public speaking has found a new home: a weekday radio slot that allows me to express my thoughts on the opulent and promiscuous lives of the pop stars, my envy towards Maroon 5’s Adam Levine for being voted People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive,” and an opportunity to share my new sense of cheerfulness with the rest of the world.  On a global scale, one can also acquire a taste of my morning boost by tuning in through the miraculous wonders of the world-wide-web.

After twelve years of social confinement, the town of Pafos has finally unveiled a new landmark that boasts beamingly as “the largest mall on the island of Cyprus.”  I’m feeling a great sense of pride knowing that the name and logo decorating the walls of this shopping mecca, was conceived and designed by yours truly. Thank you very much.

The upside of a new shopping centre in the hub of the tourist district, allows those visiting our island to savour our evolving westernisation – our thirst for modernisation in our quaint, traditional world.  On the downside, this new mammoth will become the honeycomb for the swarm of masses, while unfortunately, the rest of the town unwillingly reverts to dormancy.  Thankfully, our indolent mayor has decided to revive the old ‘agora’ through a series of belated activities, some of which include a rusty Thomas-the-train replica, choo-chooing around the streets of the ancient town while the odd tourist samples a small taste of shoujouko. Guess who I’ll be voting for in the next round of elections?

My upcoming production “74” has secured an enormous following from the media, with a stamp of approval from the First Lady of Cyprus and a plethora of other mayors and political figures from Cyprus and abroad.  This prestigious endorsement acknowledges the hard work and sacrifices made by an exceptional team of individuals, some of which I remain forever indebted to. 

One of the actors commented on Facebook that “it takes a village” to produce a successful show, and “thankfully, there is a fantastic one behind this production.”

Our first photo shoot with the leading ladies of “74”, kick-started a great campaign on Facebook, attracting hundreds of ‘likes’ to the page.  It seems that the majority of those commenting on our timeline share our hopes for a ‘united’ Cyprus – a thirst for those countless refugees, who abandoned their homes in a flight for survival on that infamous summer morning of 1974, to finally return home.  Our aim for this production is to create global awareness of the “Cyprus Problem” and to highlight the division of our island after forty years of Turkish occupation.

Politics aside, tomorrow evening welcomes the premier of an award-winning film to the shores of Aphrodite. Papadopoulos and Sons, written and directed by Marcus Markou, follows the story of a self-made millionaire who reluctantly reunites with his estranged freewheeling brother, after his his ruin in the latest banking crisis, to re-open an abandoned fish and chip shop they shared in their youth.  I’m finding it hard to contain my excitement, as this event will allow me the opportunity to reunite with an exceptional friend, who emigrated back to the United Kingdom not long ago.

As the day progresses, I am finding that the mountain of pending items on my “to do” list are making it difficult for me to reach the peak.  Modern Family  has released a new episode, and the thought of abandoning my ongoing commitments to a quiet moment on the couch seems tempting.  My existent battle of the bulge might not be coming to an end yet, but my sources reveal that if I keep downing my soups and shakes, I will grace next year’s cover of People magazine as “the sexiest man alive.” Eat your heart out Adam Levine; two can play at that game.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has written, and will be directing the riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 258 – 273: Letter to Ellen

Dear Ellen,

My name is Paul Lambis and I am writing to you from the island of Cyprus, Europe.  Although we are unable to follow your show on any one of our local networks, I remain indebted to your website and YOUTUBE channel which highlight the wonderful things you do.  Your humility and warmth, combined with your extraordinary talent and humour are uplifting; it is during these trying times that one appreciates the importance of laughter.

I was born in Johannesburg, South Africa and relocated to Cyprus twelve years ago.  Since my arrival on the island, I have been working as a freelance writer for several local publications, and have written and produced my own theatrical plays.  In 2008, I was involved in a near-fatal car accident, which confined me to my bed for six months.  The doctors were unable to offer me any hope of walking, but my positive attitude trumped them in the end.  After an intense eighteen months of physiotherapy, I was able to stand on my own two feet, and face the world with an optimistic outlook on life. 

I was inspired to put pen-to-paper, and published my novel – an autobiography detailing my hilarious journey of contrasts, sharing my experiences and the healing powers of laughter.  What emerged from the book was a quote with which I have founded my beliefs on: “If you don’t laugh at life, life will laugh at you.”

In March this year, the financial crisis plagued the island of Cyprus, to the extent that thousands were left jobless, and those with work were forced to accept large pay cuts.  One of the sectors affected by this economic recession was the Performing Arts.  Despite our efforts to keep this industry alive, we are constantly confronted with closed doors, and often resort to scrounging outside large corporations for a small contribution.  It seems that the economic downturn has blindfolded most people from the importance of supporting the Arts.  If only people could see the significance of our industry, the professionalism and talent of its people, and what a difference theatre could make to enrich one’s own outlook on the world.  Perhaps my dream of a ‘Theatre Utopia’ might seem far-fetched, but I believe in making a difference, and I hope to be able to establish a financially-independent organisation in the near-future, that will support, provide work, encourage and expose the talent that Cyprus has to offer.

Thank you for making us laugh, and for supporting us in your own unique way.

Warm regards,

Paul Lambis

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has written, and will be directing the riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 243 – 257: A Powerful Production

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,

visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 225 – 242: Through the Director’s Eyes

As a director, one of the most daunting tasks is having to turn away a plethora of talented actors after an intense month of auditions.  When the casting call announcement was posted on the various social media sites, a flood of resumes surfaced on my desk – each one vying for a role in my upcoming war drama “74”.

As each potential candidate took to the stage, immersing themselves in their respective role, my assistant director and I realised that the proficient level of acting in Cyprus would not make the elimination process any easier.  My lengthy absence from blogging was largely due to the haunting hours spent in an enclosed part of my home, fighting through the copious evaluation forms submitted by my team of professionals.

And, after meticulous deliberation, the results were posted on Facebook amidst the jubilant cheers of the selected, and the disappointing cries of the precluded.  The marketing campaign had officially begun.

The weeks that followed saw a tide of professional emails flooding my inbox – the majority of which thanked me for the experience, and the opportunity given to them to audition for the production.  A small group of actors chose to voice their displeasure, not realising that such a response would categorise them as “avoidable”.  The level of immaturity, which is often revealed by the so-called “bad-sportsmanship”, was evident through the hidden innuendos concealed between the sentences; metaphorical figures of speech used to reveal their frustration of not being selected. 

But why should one care?  Surely Julia Roberts doesn’t call the director and blast him for his choice of another leading lady?  The acting game can easily be compared to a beauty pageant: only one winner can take the crown.

Perhaps one could ease the laws on a society which is, in my opinion, intimate? I think so; c'est la vie.

The creative juices are ripe.  I have just completed the script for a royal comedy titled “Divorced, Beheaded, Died… Divorced, Beheaded, Survived”. Based on the illustrious life of King Henry VIII, this royal comedy focuses on the Tudor king's royal appetite for the opposite sex, and the women who found themselves tangled in his lustful quest.

Prior to my explicit interpretation of Henry’s sex life, I will be directing a bio-drama based on the life of Aristotle Onassis.  Inspired by the true story of the relationships between the Promethean shipping magnate, his first wife Tina, his lover Maria Callas and second wife Jackie Kennedy, this is an extraordinary account of one man's voracious appetite for sex, money and power – how those with great wealth and political influence live their lives detached from the moral code and realities of ordinary mortals.

I’m almost certain that one would consider me a hypocrite.  I’ve babbled on about the silly innuendos implied by the agitated actors in their emails, but my overtones of sex are quite apparent in the scripts for my forthcoming dramas.  One might suggest a hint of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, but I don’t foresee any explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism.  Although, King Henry VIII’s marital indecisiveness could leave one thinking otherwise.  I’ll have to dwell on those thoughts for a while.  I’m not implying any sexual deprivation, but it’s reassuring knowing that the audience will observe everything through my eyes…

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 219 – 224: “What you see, is what you get.”

My Facebook timeline this morning declares that my start to the day was cataclysmic. I’m not implying that a tornado whip-lashed my car to the other side of the island, but I carelessly forgot my mobile phone on the charger; communication with the outside world has now come to an unexpected halt.

I spent the first part of the day bombarding the social media sites in order to fill the void, but the fact remains that an absent phone is as torturous as being caught publicly with your pants down.  One only realises how reliant one is to this indispensable form of communication.  I’m sitting on a bed of thorns, wondering if my phone has beeped without my knowing, humming its technical tunes of Facebook and inbox alerts.  What’s even more frustrating is that I am trying to locate the numbers of two talented individuals who have agreed to work with me on my upcoming production of “74”; my absence is suggesting a hint of unprofessionalism.

The drive to school this morning had me lecturing my son, yet again, on the principles of healthy eating.  His obsession for an Adonis figure has him skipping meals and submitting to an intense workout session of cardio exercises in his bedroom.  I’m convinced that beneath his drive of image consciousness, lies an interest in the form of a female classmate.  Although my son has never openly confessed his motives, the signs of infatuation are evident from the hearts squiggled on random pieces of paper scattered throughout the house, or the late-night Skype calls which require bedroom doors closed, and a lengthy pre-session of hair styling.

The consequences of starvation were addressed briefly as I swerved the car into one of the school’s parking bays. 

“Starvation will only encourage weight-gain,” I remarked as I pointed towards the permanent cushion of flab surrounding my waist.  Admittedly, the slogan on my briefcase screaming “I beat anorexia” did not encourage my argument, and I suggested that his [my son’s] mother would be more qualified to answer any concerns relating to exercise and nutrition.

And then, in a moment of father-son bliss, the boomerang question clouted me across the face, leaving me thoughtful and bewildered.

“Is mom happy with the way you look?”

My arrogance intervened as I defended by physique by saying, “What she sees is what she gets!” 

I bid my son farewell, and spent the next few minutes absorbed in a cloud of self-judgement. 

I've always believed that one should lead by example.  I’ve often quoted these scripted words from the bible to the squad of degenerates who manage the workplace.  My maturity should force me to take a stance, for once in my life, and bolt those urges of emotional eating.  But that infamous group of people trapped within my body are teaming up for their daily protest.  I’m feeling the urge to call my psychologist and ask for advice, but the reality lies with my infuriating mobile phone, held back by a wire in a socket at home.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 212 – 218: Conspiracy Theories

These are the golden days for conspiracy theorists. If you believed your government was spying on you, Edward Snowden’s revelations have shown you’re probably right. WikiLeaks and Bradley Manning laid bare a world in which the authorities routinely do one thing and say another. You may be paranoid, but they’re still out to get you — or at least to detain you at Heathrow Airport for questioning.

Now, just a week after the 16 years since a Mercedes plowed into a pillar in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel on August 31, 1997, depriving Britain of her People’s Princess and the young royals William and Harry of their mother, along comes a fresh allegation in the story that has generated more conspiracy theories than any other.

Scotland Yard announced that it is “scoping” new information about the Paris car crash that killed Diana, Princess of Wales and patron saint of conspiracy theorists. The claim surfaced during the trial of a member of Britain’s elite and secretive SAS army regiment; according to some reports, the estranged in-laws of a key witness told the military police that the witness had alleged SAS involvement in Diana’s death.

The circumstances of that death, though, have been exhaustively investigated, by the authorities in France and the U.K., most recently in the 90-day inquest at London’s Royal Courts of Justice that reached the conclusion in April 2008 that the Princess and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed had been “unlawfully killed.” The verdict highlighted the “gross negligence” of the driver Henri Paul, who died at the wheel and was found to have blood alcohol three times above the French legal limit, and of the paparazzi, whose reckless pursuit of the couple sparked the high-speed chase that ended in tragedy.

A quick internet search reveals a plethora of sites devoted to “exposing” Diana’s murder. A large and vociferous online community remains convinced, despite evidence to the contrary presented to the inquest, that the Queen’s former daughter-in-law was pregnant with Fayed’s child, provoking nebulous rings of vested interest at the heart of the British establishment into ordering her assassination to protect the monarchy. The more lurid versions of the tale claim the crash itself never happened (the Mercedes was dented in a car crusher; the Princess hijacked in the tunnel, forced into a vehicle masquerading as an ambulance and slaughtered). A surprisingly persistent meme depicts Diana as the victim of giant shape-shifting lizards that secretly control Britain. There are queries raised too about how and when a white Fiat Uno came into contact with the Mercedes, leaving paint traces, or whether Paul’s blood toxicology tallies with what is known of his last movements and usual habits, or why Diana’s seat belt was found not to work.

These queries seem sensible enough, and if we’ve learned anything from the whistle-blowers, hackers and leakers, it’s that the authorities don’t always tell the truth. But we knew that already. We may be in greater danger of forgetting that the authorities often do tell the truth too. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem: President Obama was born in Hawaii and Diana died in an accident, a victim not of unseen malefactors but of a collision between her desire for a private life and public fascination with her private life.

Scotland Yard — itself seeking to restore public trust after the twin blows of the News Corp phone-hacking scandal and the Jimmy Savile sex-abuse revelations revealed its tendency to protect the establishment rather than question it — has no choice but to evaluate the information it has received. To fail to do so would spark new conspiracies. Yet to divert more taxpayer money into a new inquiry also risks criticism. Hence the Yard’s carefully worded statement, which made clear: “This is not a reinvestigation.” Die-hard Diana conspiracists will be disappointed. They will always be disappointed.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 211: Salaries for Breadcrumbs

It’s the end of the month.  The optimistic tone which has mysteriously appeared in the office is largely due to the arrival of the long-awaited paycheck. 

For a brief moment, I was hopeful that the powers that be had finally figured out an exhilarating motivational plan which would encourage the team to fight for the company’s survival.  But the reality soon hits us in the face when one realises that it’s just another day in an abysmal working world, battling through the tedious hours of internet surfing, while an argument ensues over who will answer the telephone – unaware that it has been ringing for over a minute.

I take a break from my ‘overwhelming’ work schedule, and open my salary slip.  The amount highlighted at the bottom of the sheet conjures up feelings of anger, dissatisfaction and bitter revenge.  Since March 2013, the Cyprus banking catastrophe has forced management to seize a portion of my salary, justifying the cut due to the”economic crisis”.  The banks had willingly offered a breathing period on all personal loans, but now that the ‘honeymoon’ is over, I am forced to meet my commitments with a salary, sufficient to see me through the first week of the month.

The escalating costs of living combined with the annoying arrogance that “one needs to be greatful for one’s job – especially during these trying times,” has me walking barefoot on a bed of burning coal.  And, despite the advice of “muteness” received from a group of close friends, I feel the need to voice my annoyance in the form of a protest.  After all, one should never have to sweat, unless one is getting paid for it. In the non-prostitute sense, of course.

After the first week of mortgage payments, life insurances, school supplies, utility bills and the odd trip to the local McDonalds, I find myself home-bound with a surplus of cash enough to purchase a packet of breadcrumbs.  But for some strange reason, my weight manages to remain constant, unopposed by the lack of funds in the bank account.  The war brewing in the Middle East has my wife stocking on tinned foods, cleaning supplies and copious amounts of water bottles, in the event of a possible apocalyptic showdown. 

The news networks zone into Israel and the crowds of people lining the streets for their complimentary gas masks. As military build up continues ahead of a possible Western strike against Assad, the United Kingdom sends Typhoon fighter jets to Cyprus.  Russia has parked a fleet of warships in the Mediterranean, Turkey is backing the Syrian opposition and rebels, France and Germany are threatening punishment, and Cyprus is rejoicing over a local football team’s advancement into the group stages of the Europa League.

But that infamous paycheck is staring at me from beyond the torn envelope.  The appalling amount has warranted a series of threats, and if management does not comply, I see myself waging a different type of war.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 209 – 210: Are we on the brink of War?

"War" is defined as a long standing armed conflict between two or more groups over resources, land, cultural differences, or other matters of contention. It is usually instigated following a public declaration of war, but undeclared wars are quite common in the form of surprise attacks. War is considered different from murder or genocide, because of the organisation of the participants. The interesting thing, however, is that warfare is one of the few global/universal concepts – almost every culture in recorded history has had some concept of warfare, and has risen or fallen due to war.

“Britain risks sleep-walking into a full-scale war by launching missile strikes against Syria,” former top brass warned last night.

Retired commanders cautioned that an ill-thought-out attack against President Assad’s brutal regime could provoke revenge attacks at home and abroad.

Lord West of Spithead, a former First Sea Lord, General Lord Dannatt, a former head of the British Army, and Major General , a commander during the first Gulf War, all warned of the “unintended consequences” of a military campaign.

It also emerged that Israel was taking precautions against a possible Syrian attack, including bolstering missile defences and handing out gas masks to civilians. A coalition spearheaded by the US, Britain and France is preparing to punish Assad for allegedly gassing to death hundreds of innocent people last week.

Defence chiefs favour a strike against important military installations, including airbases, arms dumps and communications hubs, using long-range cruise missiles fired from warships or submarines amassing in the Mediterranean.

The hope is that the attacks will deter Assad from using chemical weapons and make it more difficult for him to launch them in future.

But military grandees fear David Cameron and his allies might unwittingly escalate Syria’s civil war into a regional conflict in the Middle East, or even a proxy Cold War with Damascus’s key ally, Russia.

Assad might also be goaded into retaliating against UK bases in Cyprus. And a missile strike might encourage extremists to bring bloodshed to the streets of Britain.

Lord West, a former head of the Navy, said ministers should try to get Russia and China to agree to condemn Assad’s chemical attacks in a UN Security Council Resolution.

“We are moving inextricably towards military action. A strike might be a rap across the knuckles for Assad but will that be enough to make him stop? I have have very severe doubts. If he is deranged enough to have used chemical weapons on his own people, which is a loathsome thing, what is he likely to do if we strike against key targets in Syria? He might do something as mad as fire ballistic missiles against the air base in Cyprus. That then becomes an attack on a Nato ally, an attack on British sovereign territory, and that means war, doesn’t it?”

Lord West  added: “Politicians think they can control these things, but once you embark on military operations you cannot predict what will happen. We need to be very clear on our game plan – what, at the end, is going to make our nation and the globe more secure, and ideally help the Syrian people.”

Of any military strike’s consequences, Lord West said: “Iran has said if anything happened it would unleash terrorist attacks, so you might have some reprisals here.”

Lord Dannatt questioned the legality and purpose of the proposed military strike, describing the plans as inappropriate.

He said Assad’s probable use of chemical weapons, however wrong, did “not constitute an open invitation for the international community to impose themselves on the internal affairs of another country.”

The general, who headed the British intervention in Kosovo in 1999, said an intervention could result in “fuelling the conflict and making it worse.”

General Cordingley, who led the Desert Rats during the liberation of Kuwait, said: “There is a danger Assad will retaliate against us. More widely, yet again people in the Arab world will say the West is dropping more bombs on the Middle East. It might not heighten the threat of terrorism at home, but it certainly will do nothing to reduce it.”

Syrian prime minister Wael al-Halqi responded to the threat of military intervention by warning his war-torn country would become a “graveyard of the invaders.”

And a Syrian army officer has claimed Assad could use kamikaze pilots to combat Western forces.

The unnamed officer told a British newspaper that, in the event of an attack by the US and Britain, the Syrian army had eight-thousand “suicide martyrs” who would give their lives to bring down warplanes.

“I myself am ready to blow myself up against US aircraft carriers to stop them attacking Syria and its people,” he said.

Questions and Answers

Would bombing Syria be lawful?

Britain and the US insist it would be, but the truth is far from clear. It’s hard to see how Syria’s reported chemical attacks against its own citizens present a direct threat to either country.

What specific laws or UN conventions might be used as justification?

The UN Charter allows for military action on only two grounds – in self-defence, or if action is approved by the UN Security Council. Neither applies here.  Russia has made clear its intention to veto any proposed Security Council resolution authorising action – as has China.

Can a military strike be legal without a UN resolution?

Unclear. In 1999, the Nato bombing campaign against Serbia was launched without one, with Tony Blair and President Clinton seeking to justify it on humanitarian grounds to protect Kosovan civilians.

The intervention was widely welcomed, but its legality was questionable. A similar humanitarian argument is being used to defend intervention in Syria.

If President Assad is proved to have launched poison gas attacks on his own people, he will be in breach of the Geneva Gas Protocol, an international agreement dating back to 1925 – to which Syria is a signatory – banning the use of chemical weapons.

But breaching the protocol doesn’t provide a clear justification for military action and it normally applies to international conflicts, rather than civil wars.

Does the UN have a ‘Responsibility to Protect’ the Syrians?

In 2005, following the hideous atrocities committed in Rwanda and Bosnia in the 1990s, the UN brought forward an initiative called the “Responsibility to Protect.”

It was designed to protect the innocent from genocide, war crimes and ethnic cleansing and places a duty on individual states to prevent such horrors within their borders, and an obligation to intervene if they see it elsewhere.

But former UN assistant Secretary-General, Francesc Vendrell, says the doctrine does not necessarily justify the use of force.

All diplomatic efforts must have been tried first, and even then military intervention requires the backing of the Security Council – taking David Cameron and President Obama back to square one.

Does the PM need Parliamentary backing for a bombing campaign?

Technically, no. He retains the power, under Royal Prerogative, to use military force without Parliamentary approval.

However, all recent major military interventions – including the wars in Iraq and Libya  – have been preceded by a Commons vote. The Government has made clear it will “respect the outcome’ of tonight’s.”

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 204 – 208: Lyrics for a Song

“Lights, Camera, Action!”

The script is ready, crew is in place, casting auditions scheduled, and I am on the verge of launching a riveting theatrical war drama in 2014, which will showcase, yet again, the extraordinary talent that belongs to the island of Cyprus.

As each day passes, I am greeted with a wave of optimism that justifies the purpose of my production; a plethora of Cypriot actors, musicians, choreographers and producers are knocking on my door, pledging their support for what they believe is a successful formula of awareness.  My intentions for staging the show entirely in the English language will also provide the perfect platform to convey the messages of hope and re-unification of our island, on an international level.

The fact that Cyprus remains a divided island after four decades of Turkish occupation is an indication that our work is far from complete.  As a Cypriot, born in a foreign country, I was reminded on an annual basis that the Cyprus Conflict existed; it was my patriotic duty to create awareness of this issue and play my part as a ‘protestor’ against the oppression.  A theatrical drama might not resolve the conflict, but it will convey messages of hope and inspiration.

And, as my creative juices worked themselves into overtime, my hope and inspiration emerged through a poem I had written, dedicated to my dream of a united Cyprus.  But how does one manage to transform this dream into reality? 

The light above my head finally blinked one evening as I observed the sun setting from my bedroom window.  Working feverishly on my laptop, a sea of paper scattered on the couch next to me, my wife entered the room and turned the radio on.  A sense of patriotism re-emerged as the hi-fi transmitted one of the most passionate pieces of music by an internationally-acclaimed Cypriot composer.  My eyes began to water, as I sipped my coffee and watched the sun fading over the horizon.  I realised that my angels had been instructed by the Divine to create an evocative and romantic work of art before me. And, in a moment of majestic euphoria, I was inspired to use my poem as lyrics to a song for peace.

After countless emails to renowned composers and musicians, their replies began to filter one-by-one with positive and encouraging messages of participation.  A simple poem was now mushrooming into an official theme song for my production, promising to unite my cast with a superb team of international Cypriot talent singing “United for Cyprus – Together we shall stand”. I can hardly wait.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 201 – 203: Toned Bodies, and Summer Snapshots

Almost every magazine I look at these days spurts out a herd of photos with contented people, flaunting their bodies in a soiree of colourful, yet skimpy bikinis or figure-hugging swim trunks.

The titles above these pages suggest some sort of joyful escapade, provoking emotions of envy and low self-esteem.  Although I pretend to overlook these ‘distasteful’ images of happiness, I find myself rewinding back to the beginning of the magazine, analysing each pose and smile, while my subconscious is screaming for me to remove my tardy behind off the couch and head outside for a five kilometre run. Stat.

My publicist is an avid health-freak.  I am inspired by her willingness to adhere to a sensible health routine and her stringent laws for healthy eating, but I’m finding it difficult to be motivated by a sesame snack that mollifies my hunger pains for five minutes, and leaves me tooth-picking my teeth of sesame seeds, trapped between my dentures, for the next thirty minutes.

But the group of people in the magazine, posing confidently near some beach bar with their hands raised jubilantly in the air, presumably overlook the half-an-hour sesame seed flossing session, as they prioritise well being and fitness over a double-decker cheese and bacon burger.

The result, of course, is a photo opportunity in one of the colourful lifestyle magazines, dotted around the island – available at every corner kiosk.  Their rise to fame is relied solely on their motivation to be idolised by us common folk who worship their bodies as if they were gods.

A recent survey suggests that our bikini and swim trunk models are suffering from a huge lack of self-esteem, with only one percent believing they are beautiful.  I’ve often believed that beauty is skin-deep, but unfortunately in my case, one would have to plough through a mountain of blubbery layers to discover it. And, in order to conceal my unsightly folds of flab, I am compelled to order my “custom-designed swimsuit” from an American website that caters for the “extra-large individuals” of this world.

So, I’ve narrowed it down to two options: first, if I adhere to my publicist’s rigorous nutritional programme, I will end up posing with the other demigods in next summer’s lifestyle magazines, or second, to continue on the path of burger-eating unrighteousness and keep ordering a larger-sized swim trunk with every season.

More than likely, I would have to refrain from the latter, and pre-warn my senses that an apple for my mid-morning snack is the only option available.  And since I’m on this protest path, I’m warning all those toned bodies in this year’s summer snapshots, that they’d better make room for me.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 196 – 200: Cyprus has Talent

I’ve managed to clock two hundred days on the fat-revolution-ometer  but I’m not prepared to disclose any results at the moment.  It’s been a trying summer, and the heat has lured me towards the refrigerator in search of a refreshing sweet or a bubbling, thirst-quenching soda.  After I’ve replenished my insatiable needs, I plunge into the pool for an intense session of laps, eager to burn those unwanted calories.

A workout in the water leaves one feeling cool and revived, but the neighbour’s barbecue awakens the senses and the entire process is repeated as an ongoing game of cat-and-mouse.  This contrived action involving my constant pursuit of near weight-loss, and repeated excuses of dieting has left me feeling hopeless.  Should I consider failure as a result of two hundred days, or 4,800 hours of torturous dieting?

A hypnotherapist friend suggested that keeping oneself occupied with projects would absorb most of my time, but the sweltering Mediterranean heat has this nasty habit of reprising the role of the Sahara – the world’s hottest desert.  And if anyone opts for the aircon remote, the staggering electricity bill at the end of the month responds as a poisonous snake, biting through the pocket, wounding all the senses.

Thankfully, I survived the heatwave and managed to finalise one of my projects, which had me working feverishly into the night for the past three months.  With research concluded, and the vote of confidence from a supportive team of historians, proof-readers, producers and media experts, I bowed to the social media sites to help promote my forthcoming play “74” – a riveting war drama which centres on the lives of three courageous women, and their stories, following the devastating 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus.  

After a passive round of  marketing, I was overwhelmed by the response of Cypriot actors inquiring about the auditions for “74”.  The encouraging response served as a reward for the enduring months of research.  More so, it came as a sign that all those who suffered and perished in the Cypriot conflict, were about to be honoured by an esteemed group of Cypriot talent that the island of Cyprus, and possibly the world, was about to see.

I am particularly honoured to be surrounded by such unique talent.  I have often said that Cyprus is an island of many hidden treasures.  From a cultural heritage site, to a religious and mythological phenomenon, Cyprus is a hidden gem with so much ‘wealth’ to offer; it’s no wonder we have been the site of envy for thousands of years.

With a plethora of actors to choose from, the decision will not be easy.  After all, how can one differentiate between the best and the finest?  Nevertheless, decisions have to be narrowed down to the three actresses and four actors who will portray poignant figures in the history of Cyprus. And if talent is anything to go by, “74” is destined to be staged before selective international theatre festivals in 2014. And so it begins…

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 191-195: Truth and Logic

“Truth” is most often used to mean in accord with fact or reality, or fidelity to an original or to a standard or ideal. The concept of truth is discussed and debated in several contexts, including philosophy and religion. Many human activities depend upon the concept, which is assumed rather than a subject of discussion, including science, law, and everyday life.

“Logic”, on the other hand, has two meanings: first, it describes the use of valid reasoning in some activity; second, it names the normative study of reasoning or a branch thereof.

But when “Truth” and “Logic” merge, the results could be mind-boggling.  “Logical Truths” are truths which are considered to be necessarily true. This is to say that they are considered to be such that they could not be untrue and no situation could arise which would cause us to reject a “logical truth”. However, it is not universally agreed that there are any statements which are necessarily true; here are a few which provide food for thought:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6. We live in a society where pizza gets to one’s house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a man without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.”

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

22. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

31. Whenever I complete an application, in the part that says "In the event of an emergency, please notify:" I put "Doctor.”  What's my mother going to do?

32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

33. Why does someone believe one says, “There are four billion stars,” but requires proof when we say, “The paint is wet?”

34. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

35. Some people say, "If you can't beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can't beat them, beat them;” they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

36. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

37. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?

38. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 188 – 190: Indecent Proposal

“One million dollars, for one night…with your wife.”

There’s no denying that the current financial crisis would seduce one to consider the above proposal.  In fact, the above one liner isn’t as farfetched as one thought it was, way back in 1993, when John Gage (Robert Redford) posed that question to David Murphy (Woody Harrelson) – a cash-strapped architect from Indecent Proposal. 

The offer, of course, was directed to the architect’s wife, the gorgeous Demi Moore.  Though the couple agrees that this is a way out of their financial dilemma, it threatens to destroy their relationship. Morality triumphs in the end when the couple realise that money is the root of all evil.

Admittedly, the thought of spending one night with Demi Moore – the screen goddess of the 90s, and especially after watching her bare all in Striptease, certainly warrants the necessity of a no-strings-attached sexual relationship.  On the other hand, I am certain most women would consent to an evening with Robert Redford in the same manner, or not?

So how far does one explore the notion of an indecent proposal?  I’ve often resorted to playing this game with my work colleagues; unsurprisingly, the answers vary.  There are a select few who would consent to an indecent proposal with anyone, irrespective of gender, as long as the no-strings-attached principle applies.  Others refrain from answering, although their body language reveals some sort of consideration.  And then there are those who blatantly object, preaching the morality code with an entire thesis or dissertation on “Eternal Damnation” as their supporting argument.

But should an indecent proposal apply only to sex?  Could it be that the 1993 blockbuster has already stigmatised the notion?  As an overweight individual, I am often plagued by thoughts of comfort foods and dessert trays.  Standing outside a patisserie in Covent Garden and staring through the window, a haven of self- indulgence awakens my senses to the most exquisite cakes and patisseries one will ever feast his eyes upon.  Sensing a magnetic pull, I enter the establishment seducing almost every item on the menu.  What follows, is a period of remorse; my mind regrets acting on the initial proposal of self-indulgence and tries to overcome the aftermath of guilt.

For the art collector or car lover, it could mean the same thing: lured in by the idea of what appears to be attractive, and therafter, facing a lifetime of repayments.  

“One million dollars, for one night…with your wife.”  My wife responds to this statement as a despicable example of human-trafficking.  I, on the other hand, believe everyone should “take one for the team.” What do you think?

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 176 – 187: The Return of Paul Lambis

I find myself apologising for my spur-of-the-moment absence from blogging, but, when the network beckons for a television shoot, one literally deserts everything.

August is supposedly an Hakuna Matata month; most of my colleagues have abandoned ship, securing a spot by the beach.  Despite the disadvantages of long hours of sun therapy, one is determined to acquire an all-even coat – an envious tan that boasts rejuvenation and relaxation. 

But, when the producers of my upcoming television series suggested shooting the pilot episode on the cusp of the summer holidays, a group of talented actors found themselves in a beautiful rural setting, absorbing fountains of mineral water under the scorching sun. Admittedly, I found myself abstaining from the buffet of pastries set aside for the cast, and savoured bowls of delicious salads and grilled kebabs. 

Trying to impress my on-screen wife, who, regrettably is a quarter of my size, our first day behind the cameras proved to be an ice-breaker; cuddling under a heavy blanket, dancing on the beach, and romancing in the kitchen and living room allowed us to become overly-acquainted. The next few days of shooting were as comfortable for the rest of the cast, as much as they were for me. I found myself laughing again, enjoying the time with this newly-found family.

I observed an impulsive boost of positive energy.  Time was no longer an enemy, and despite the extreme nature of the sun, I was determined to portray my role of the frustrated, weighty husband to the best of my ability.  The outcome of this new marriage between cast and crew has “success” written all over it.  I am almost certain that the audience will be drawn to our magnetism as soon as the show airs this October.

Behind the curtain, my experience has injected a river of creativity within me. My mind has suddenly focused on a new production which will be performed in theatres throughout Europe from February 2014.  Based on actual events, I have decided to write a play which centres around the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus in 1974.  Titled simply, “74,” I am feverishly researching testimonies of people who experienced undescribable tragedy and loss during the invasion.  Their chilling accounts have encouraged me to step forward and act as a voice (on their behalf), against their oppression.

On a final note, “The Paul Lambis Comedy Shows” will return to Cyprus this November with a different outlook on comedy.  The show will include Improvisational Theatre, and most  of what is performed will be created on the spur-of-the-moment. In its purest form, the dialogue, the action, the story and the characters will be created collaboratively by the players and the audience as the improvisation unfolds.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 174 – 175: Put your foot down

My morning ritual of “cereal before the telly” was welcomed by another wave of melancholia.  The turbulent tone of the newsreader reminded me of an unexpected terrorist attack; as my part of the world drifted off into the night, the rest of the world was greeted with another series of devastating events involving floods, earthquakes, derailed trains, sexual abuse, and a looming war that most nations are eager to encourage.

I’ve often felt that as mere mortals, the gods seem to be moving us around as chess pieces in an nerve-racking game of “Intimidation”.  Depressing news alters my emotional status and encourages an outburst  in the kitchen, whereas a bout of joyful updates arouse motivation . 

After fifteen minutes of disastrous reports, I feel that I have spent the first part of my morning reading through the obituaries of the local newspaper.  I subconsciously close the door behind me and spend the next few minutes feeling anxious about the day.

As I drive down to my office, I am oblivious to the exceptional view of the Mediterranean coast.  The “glass-half-empty” attitude has overpowered my mind, and I find myself searching for all the negative aspects of my hometown: a plethora of shops have closed down due to the economic virus which has gripped the island of Cyprus, unemployment is at an all time high, people have lost their ability to smile, the government is on the warpath to expose the fraudulent activity of the ruthless, a child is knocking on my window asking for a small donation, and the radio has Sinatra singing, “And now, the end is near. And so I face the final curtain…”

It’s time to put my foot down.  Thankfully, my eating habits have mellowed since my last binging episode.  The weekend saw me consuming a large slice of carrot cake as I tried to convince myself of the benefits to eating a vegetable-based treat. 

I was delighted to touch base with a wonderful individual who re-directed my impure eating habits to a healthier buffet of wheat-free products. This expiremental phase of natural foods has detoxed my body to the extent that an adult diaper has been placed under my buns in the event of any mishap.

As I begin my protest of abstinence from any news network, I will be leaning towards the music channels to satisfy my morning’s entertainment.  I am currently rehearsing for an upcoming television series for one of the local networks and I am determined to deliver a promising performance.  Keeping positive will certainly play its part.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 170 – 173: It’s a Boy!

The wait for the royal baby and the future monarch ended on Monday 22 July after a day of sweltering speculation when it was announced that the Duchess of Cambridge had given birth to a boy.

The baby, the third in line to the throne and the first Prince of Cambridge in 190 years, was born at 4.24pm weighing 8lbs 6oz with his father present at the private Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, west London.

The announcement by Kensington Palace shortly after 8pm ended a day of increasingly febrile media reporting after it emerged that the Duchess had gone into hospital at 6am - avoiding the massed ranks of cameras via a side entrance - while in the early stages of labour.

News of the birth was posted in accordance with tradition by a royal footman on an ornate “Roccoco revival-style” easel inside the railings of Buckingham Palace as a crowd gathered outside celebrated. It was also confirmed that Kate, 31, and her son were “doing well” and will remain in hospital overnight.

In an unusually forthright statement, Prince Charles announced that he was relishing the prospect of grandfatherhood, announcing that he and Camilla were “overjoyed.”

The heir to the throne said: “Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone’s life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months, so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first and we are eagerly looking foward to seeing the baby in the near future.”

Prime Minister David Cameron, taking to Twitter along with Labour leader Ed Milliband, said the Duke and Duchess will  make “wonderful parents,” adding: “The whole country will celebrate.” Mr Milliband said: “I wish them and their son all happiness and good health.”

While the arrival of a boy postpones for another generation the dilemma of resolving outstanding sexist constitutional wrinkles that a daughter to William and Kate might have created, the public is likely to have to wait longer to know their future ruler’s name.

In a move which will doubtless delight bookies, some of whom immediately elevated “James” as favourite for the royal moniker, it could be at least a day before the name chosen by the couple is revealed. In the case of the royal baby’s paternal grandfather, it was not announced until almost a month after his birth that he had been called Charles.

The birth after a labour of less than 12 hours brought relief not only to the nation but also the serried rows of television news anchors gathered on the pavement outside the Lindo Wing who suddenly found themselves have to provide rolling news coverage on what one BBC correspondent admitted was “no news.”

The 6am arrival of Kate and William at a side entrance to the hospital brought with it a terse 45-word statement the 31-year-old duchess was in the early stages of labour and “things are progressing as normal.”

But the arrival of the couple in a convoy of Range Rovers and BMWs was sufficient to bring the buzz of speculation about the royal birth over the airwaves and the internet for the past week to a fresh crescendo as hundreds of broadcasters, photographers and assorted royal hangers-on jostled for position outside the £6,000-a-night unit.

Under the blistering heat of the hottest July day since 2006, representatives of 150 television stations (along with some 300 photographers) repeated in mantra-like fashion the most likely names for the royal baby and the expert view that most labours last 12 hours.

The royal baby is one of around 2,000 children born every day in the UK. Yet whilst the third in line to the throne can expect a life unimaginable to its cohort of subjects with whom it will share a birthday, all babies can anticipate a longer span than their parents before them.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 166 – 169: London Heat

Temperatures are soaring;  England’s Queen Elizabeth keeps cool in a wide-brimmed bonnet as she sets off to meet England's Ashes cricket team at Lords.  Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg reveals he has stopped wearing shoes (and socks) in his government office to prevent his feet from overheating, Kate Middleton is encouraged to eat curry to kick-start labour, a Royal Guard sweats in the heat outside St James' Palace in central London, and a hungry horse orders an ice-cream at the Dovey Estuary in Mid-Wales.

Enduring a lengthy summer is a prerequisite for most Southern Europeans; the temperature in Cyprus seldom sways from the thirty-nine degree mark as I justify the pool of water on my t-shirt when talking to the bank manager.  If Cyprus was a crime-stricken country, I would certainly fit the profile of a neurotic bank robber.

And, having three people trapped in my mammoth-sized figure inspires me to find refuge in an air-conditioned office as I sip on my frozen yoghurt and stare at the sluggish pace of the office clock.

Reverting to my favourite city, London is often referred to by my wife as an “exciting city with the worst luck in weather.”

“If the weather were different, and if London had the sea, I would move there at the skip of a heartbeat.”

The gods are certainly smiling upon me now, as I enter phase two of my relocation programme; the extended British summer has yielded me towards the south coast, to a city called Brighton.

My presentation would have to include the benefits of living in this idyllic part of the world; a movie titled ‘Wimbledon’ will certainly convince my spouse to at least consider this seaside resort, and with London being less than an hour away by train, I may have found the winning formula.

My diet seems to be under control these days, although I am seriously considering an outburst over the weekend.  An overpowering Greek family chomping on a pecan nut waffle with vanilla ice cream (on Sunday at my mother’s house) definitely trumps my low-fat rice pudding with its pitiful ‘dust’ of cinnamon. 

But the summer heat has an adverse effect on my dietary intake.  Most ‘normal’ people are inclined to limit their heavy meals this time of year, and one often observes the masses flaunting their water bottles as “the essential accessory.”  I am inclined to spoil The Three Tenors, the uncontrollable trio hiding within my body, with a generous helping of Spaghetti Napoletana.  A side-serving of toasted Greek bread, drizzled with a copious marriage of olive oil and dry oregano; a glass of red wine and an extended session of “siesta on the couch.”

As Londoners continue to bask in the glorious sunshine, removing their shoes and socks as they cool off in one of the city’s luscious parks, perhaps Kate Middleton would consider the troop of photographers, absorbing the scorching rays while gathered outside St Mary’s hospital, and finally take a bite of that blessed chicken curry – then everyone could finally go home.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com