DAY 211: Salaries for Breadcrumbs

It’s the end of the month.  The optimistic tone which has mysteriously appeared in the office is largely due to the arrival of the long-awaited paycheck. 

For a brief moment, I was hopeful that the powers that be had finally figured out an exhilarating motivational plan which would encourage the team to fight for the company’s survival.  But the reality soon hits us in the face when one realises that it’s just another day in an abysmal working world, battling through the tedious hours of internet surfing, while an argument ensues over who will answer the telephone – unaware that it has been ringing for over a minute.

I take a break from my ‘overwhelming’ work schedule, and open my salary slip.  The amount highlighted at the bottom of the sheet conjures up feelings of anger, dissatisfaction and bitter revenge.  Since March 2013, the Cyprus banking catastrophe has forced management to seize a portion of my salary, justifying the cut due to the”economic crisis”.  The banks had willingly offered a breathing period on all personal loans, but now that the ‘honeymoon’ is over, I am forced to meet my commitments with a salary, sufficient to see me through the first week of the month.

The escalating costs of living combined with the annoying arrogance that “one needs to be greatful for one’s job – especially during these trying times,” has me walking barefoot on a bed of burning coal.  And, despite the advice of “muteness” received from a group of close friends, I feel the need to voice my annoyance in the form of a protest.  After all, one should never have to sweat, unless one is getting paid for it. In the non-prostitute sense, of course.

After the first week of mortgage payments, life insurances, school supplies, utility bills and the odd trip to the local McDonalds, I find myself home-bound with a surplus of cash enough to purchase a packet of breadcrumbs.  But for some strange reason, my weight manages to remain constant, unopposed by the lack of funds in the bank account.  The war brewing in the Middle East has my wife stocking on tinned foods, cleaning supplies and copious amounts of water bottles, in the event of a possible apocalyptic showdown. 

The news networks zone into Israel and the crowds of people lining the streets for their complimentary gas masks. As military build up continues ahead of a possible Western strike against Assad, the United Kingdom sends Typhoon fighter jets to Cyprus.  Russia has parked a fleet of warships in the Mediterranean, Turkey is backing the Syrian opposition and rebels, France and Germany are threatening punishment, and Cyprus is rejoicing over a local football team’s advancement into the group stages of the Europa League.

But that infamous paycheck is staring at me from beyond the torn envelope.  The appalling amount has warranted a series of threats, and if management does not comply, I see myself waging a different type of war.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 209 – 210: Are we on the brink of War?

"War" is defined as a long standing armed conflict between two or more groups over resources, land, cultural differences, or other matters of contention. It is usually instigated following a public declaration of war, but undeclared wars are quite common in the form of surprise attacks. War is considered different from murder or genocide, because of the organisation of the participants. The interesting thing, however, is that warfare is one of the few global/universal concepts – almost every culture in recorded history has had some concept of warfare, and has risen or fallen due to war.

“Britain risks sleep-walking into a full-scale war by launching missile strikes against Syria,” former top brass warned last night.

Retired commanders cautioned that an ill-thought-out attack against President Assad’s brutal regime could provoke revenge attacks at home and abroad.

Lord West of Spithead, a former First Sea Lord, General Lord Dannatt, a former head of the British Army, and Major General , a commander during the first Gulf War, all warned of the “unintended consequences” of a military campaign.

It also emerged that Israel was taking precautions against a possible Syrian attack, including bolstering missile defences and handing out gas masks to civilians. A coalition spearheaded by the US, Britain and France is preparing to punish Assad for allegedly gassing to death hundreds of innocent people last week.

Defence chiefs favour a strike against important military installations, including airbases, arms dumps and communications hubs, using long-range cruise missiles fired from warships or submarines amassing in the Mediterranean.

The hope is that the attacks will deter Assad from using chemical weapons and make it more difficult for him to launch them in future.

But military grandees fear David Cameron and his allies might unwittingly escalate Syria’s civil war into a regional conflict in the Middle East, or even a proxy Cold War with Damascus’s key ally, Russia.

Assad might also be goaded into retaliating against UK bases in Cyprus. And a missile strike might encourage extremists to bring bloodshed to the streets of Britain.

Lord West, a former head of the Navy, said ministers should try to get Russia and China to agree to condemn Assad’s chemical attacks in a UN Security Council Resolution.

“We are moving inextricably towards military action. A strike might be a rap across the knuckles for Assad but will that be enough to make him stop? I have have very severe doubts. If he is deranged enough to have used chemical weapons on his own people, which is a loathsome thing, what is he likely to do if we strike against key targets in Syria? He might do something as mad as fire ballistic missiles against the air base in Cyprus. That then becomes an attack on a Nato ally, an attack on British sovereign territory, and that means war, doesn’t it?”

Lord West  added: “Politicians think they can control these things, but once you embark on military operations you cannot predict what will happen. We need to be very clear on our game plan – what, at the end, is going to make our nation and the globe more secure, and ideally help the Syrian people.”

Of any military strike’s consequences, Lord West said: “Iran has said if anything happened it would unleash terrorist attacks, so you might have some reprisals here.”

Lord Dannatt questioned the legality and purpose of the proposed military strike, describing the plans as inappropriate.

He said Assad’s probable use of chemical weapons, however wrong, did “not constitute an open invitation for the international community to impose themselves on the internal affairs of another country.”

The general, who headed the British intervention in Kosovo in 1999, said an intervention could result in “fuelling the conflict and making it worse.”

General Cordingley, who led the Desert Rats during the liberation of Kuwait, said: “There is a danger Assad will retaliate against us. More widely, yet again people in the Arab world will say the West is dropping more bombs on the Middle East. It might not heighten the threat of terrorism at home, but it certainly will do nothing to reduce it.”

Syrian prime minister Wael al-Halqi responded to the threat of military intervention by warning his war-torn country would become a “graveyard of the invaders.”

And a Syrian army officer has claimed Assad could use kamikaze pilots to combat Western forces.

The unnamed officer told a British newspaper that, in the event of an attack by the US and Britain, the Syrian army had eight-thousand “suicide martyrs” who would give their lives to bring down warplanes.

“I myself am ready to blow myself up against US aircraft carriers to stop them attacking Syria and its people,” he said.

Questions and Answers

Would bombing Syria be lawful?

Britain and the US insist it would be, but the truth is far from clear. It’s hard to see how Syria’s reported chemical attacks against its own citizens present a direct threat to either country.

What specific laws or UN conventions might be used as justification?

The UN Charter allows for military action on only two grounds – in self-defence, or if action is approved by the UN Security Council. Neither applies here.  Russia has made clear its intention to veto any proposed Security Council resolution authorising action – as has China.

Can a military strike be legal without a UN resolution?

Unclear. In 1999, the Nato bombing campaign against Serbia was launched without one, with Tony Blair and President Clinton seeking to justify it on humanitarian grounds to protect Kosovan civilians.

The intervention was widely welcomed, but its legality was questionable. A similar humanitarian argument is being used to defend intervention in Syria.

If President Assad is proved to have launched poison gas attacks on his own people, he will be in breach of the Geneva Gas Protocol, an international agreement dating back to 1925 – to which Syria is a signatory – banning the use of chemical weapons.

But breaching the protocol doesn’t provide a clear justification for military action and it normally applies to international conflicts, rather than civil wars.

Does the UN have a ‘Responsibility to Protect’ the Syrians?

In 2005, following the hideous atrocities committed in Rwanda and Bosnia in the 1990s, the UN brought forward an initiative called the “Responsibility to Protect.”

It was designed to protect the innocent from genocide, war crimes and ethnic cleansing and places a duty on individual states to prevent such horrors within their borders, and an obligation to intervene if they see it elsewhere.

But former UN assistant Secretary-General, Francesc Vendrell, says the doctrine does not necessarily justify the use of force.

All diplomatic efforts must have been tried first, and even then military intervention requires the backing of the Security Council – taking David Cameron and President Obama back to square one.

Does the PM need Parliamentary backing for a bombing campaign?

Technically, no. He retains the power, under Royal Prerogative, to use military force without Parliamentary approval.

However, all recent major military interventions – including the wars in Iraq and Libya  – have been preceded by a Commons vote. The Government has made clear it will “respect the outcome’ of tonight’s.”

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 204 – 208: Lyrics for a Song

“Lights, Camera, Action!”

The script is ready, crew is in place, casting auditions scheduled, and I am on the verge of launching a riveting theatrical war drama in 2014, which will showcase, yet again, the extraordinary talent that belongs to the island of Cyprus.

As each day passes, I am greeted with a wave of optimism that justifies the purpose of my production; a plethora of Cypriot actors, musicians, choreographers and producers are knocking on my door, pledging their support for what they believe is a successful formula of awareness.  My intentions for staging the show entirely in the English language will also provide the perfect platform to convey the messages of hope and re-unification of our island, on an international level.

The fact that Cyprus remains a divided island after four decades of Turkish occupation is an indication that our work is far from complete.  As a Cypriot, born in a foreign country, I was reminded on an annual basis that the Cyprus Conflict existed; it was my patriotic duty to create awareness of this issue and play my part as a ‘protestor’ against the oppression.  A theatrical drama might not resolve the conflict, but it will convey messages of hope and inspiration.

And, as my creative juices worked themselves into overtime, my hope and inspiration emerged through a poem I had written, dedicated to my dream of a united Cyprus.  But how does one manage to transform this dream into reality? 

The light above my head finally blinked one evening as I observed the sun setting from my bedroom window.  Working feverishly on my laptop, a sea of paper scattered on the couch next to me, my wife entered the room and turned the radio on.  A sense of patriotism re-emerged as the hi-fi transmitted one of the most passionate pieces of music by an internationally-acclaimed Cypriot composer.  My eyes began to water, as I sipped my coffee and watched the sun fading over the horizon.  I realised that my angels had been instructed by the Divine to create an evocative and romantic work of art before me. And, in a moment of majestic euphoria, I was inspired to use my poem as lyrics to a song for peace.

After countless emails to renowned composers and musicians, their replies began to filter one-by-one with positive and encouraging messages of participation.  A simple poem was now mushrooming into an official theme song for my production, promising to unite my cast with a superb team of international Cypriot talent singing “United for Cyprus – Together we shall stand”. I can hardly wait.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 201 – 203: Toned Bodies, and Summer Snapshots

Almost every magazine I look at these days spurts out a herd of photos with contented people, flaunting their bodies in a soiree of colourful, yet skimpy bikinis or figure-hugging swim trunks.

The titles above these pages suggest some sort of joyful escapade, provoking emotions of envy and low self-esteem.  Although I pretend to overlook these ‘distasteful’ images of happiness, I find myself rewinding back to the beginning of the magazine, analysing each pose and smile, while my subconscious is screaming for me to remove my tardy behind off the couch and head outside for a five kilometre run. Stat.

My publicist is an avid health-freak.  I am inspired by her willingness to adhere to a sensible health routine and her stringent laws for healthy eating, but I’m finding it difficult to be motivated by a sesame snack that mollifies my hunger pains for five minutes, and leaves me tooth-picking my teeth of sesame seeds, trapped between my dentures, for the next thirty minutes.

But the group of people in the magazine, posing confidently near some beach bar with their hands raised jubilantly in the air, presumably overlook the half-an-hour sesame seed flossing session, as they prioritise well being and fitness over a double-decker cheese and bacon burger.

The result, of course, is a photo opportunity in one of the colourful lifestyle magazines, dotted around the island – available at every corner kiosk.  Their rise to fame is relied solely on their motivation to be idolised by us common folk who worship their bodies as if they were gods.

A recent survey suggests that our bikini and swim trunk models are suffering from a huge lack of self-esteem, with only one percent believing they are beautiful.  I’ve often believed that beauty is skin-deep, but unfortunately in my case, one would have to plough through a mountain of blubbery layers to discover it. And, in order to conceal my unsightly folds of flab, I am compelled to order my “custom-designed swimsuit” from an American website that caters for the “extra-large individuals” of this world.

So, I’ve narrowed it down to two options: first, if I adhere to my publicist’s rigorous nutritional programme, I will end up posing with the other demigods in next summer’s lifestyle magazines, or second, to continue on the path of burger-eating unrighteousness and keep ordering a larger-sized swim trunk with every season.

More than likely, I would have to refrain from the latter, and pre-warn my senses that an apple for my mid-morning snack is the only option available.  And since I’m on this protest path, I’m warning all those toned bodies in this year’s summer snapshots, that they’d better make room for me.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 196 – 200: Cyprus has Talent

I’ve managed to clock two hundred days on the fat-revolution-ometer  but I’m not prepared to disclose any results at the moment.  It’s been a trying summer, and the heat has lured me towards the refrigerator in search of a refreshing sweet or a bubbling, thirst-quenching soda.  After I’ve replenished my insatiable needs, I plunge into the pool for an intense session of laps, eager to burn those unwanted calories.

A workout in the water leaves one feeling cool and revived, but the neighbour’s barbecue awakens the senses and the entire process is repeated as an ongoing game of cat-and-mouse.  This contrived action involving my constant pursuit of near weight-loss, and repeated excuses of dieting has left me feeling hopeless.  Should I consider failure as a result of two hundred days, or 4,800 hours of torturous dieting?

A hypnotherapist friend suggested that keeping oneself occupied with projects would absorb most of my time, but the sweltering Mediterranean heat has this nasty habit of reprising the role of the Sahara – the world’s hottest desert.  And if anyone opts for the aircon remote, the staggering electricity bill at the end of the month responds as a poisonous snake, biting through the pocket, wounding all the senses.

Thankfully, I survived the heatwave and managed to finalise one of my projects, which had me working feverishly into the night for the past three months.  With research concluded, and the vote of confidence from a supportive team of historians, proof-readers, producers and media experts, I bowed to the social media sites to help promote my forthcoming play “74” – a riveting war drama which centres on the lives of three courageous women, and their stories, following the devastating 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus.  

After a passive round of  marketing, I was overwhelmed by the response of Cypriot actors inquiring about the auditions for “74”.  The encouraging response served as a reward for the enduring months of research.  More so, it came as a sign that all those who suffered and perished in the Cypriot conflict, were about to be honoured by an esteemed group of Cypriot talent that the island of Cyprus, and possibly the world, was about to see.

I am particularly honoured to be surrounded by such unique talent.  I have often said that Cyprus is an island of many hidden treasures.  From a cultural heritage site, to a religious and mythological phenomenon, Cyprus is a hidden gem with so much ‘wealth’ to offer; it’s no wonder we have been the site of envy for thousands of years.

With a plethora of actors to choose from, the decision will not be easy.  After all, how can one differentiate between the best and the finest?  Nevertheless, decisions have to be narrowed down to the three actresses and four actors who will portray poignant figures in the history of Cyprus. And if talent is anything to go by, “74” is destined to be staged before selective international theatre festivals in 2014. And so it begins…

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 191-195: Truth and Logic

“Truth” is most often used to mean in accord with fact or reality, or fidelity to an original or to a standard or ideal. The concept of truth is discussed and debated in several contexts, including philosophy and religion. Many human activities depend upon the concept, which is assumed rather than a subject of discussion, including science, law, and everyday life.

“Logic”, on the other hand, has two meanings: first, it describes the use of valid reasoning in some activity; second, it names the normative study of reasoning or a branch thereof.

But when “Truth” and “Logic” merge, the results could be mind-boggling.  “Logical Truths” are truths which are considered to be necessarily true. This is to say that they are considered to be such that they could not be untrue and no situation could arise which would cause us to reject a “logical truth”. However, it is not universally agreed that there are any statements which are necessarily true; here are a few which provide food for thought:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6. We live in a society where pizza gets to one’s house before the police.

7. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a man without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a “son-of-a-bitch.”

18. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

21. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

22. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

23. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

24. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

25. If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

26. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

27. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

29. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

31. Whenever I complete an application, in the part that says "In the event of an emergency, please notify:" I put "Doctor.”  What's my mother going to do?

32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

33. Why does someone believe one says, “There are four billion stars,” but requires proof when we say, “The paint is wet?”

34. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

35. Some people say, "If you can't beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can't beat them, beat them;” they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

36. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

37. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?

38. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 188 – 190: Indecent Proposal

“One million dollars, for one night…with your wife.”

There’s no denying that the current financial crisis would seduce one to consider the above proposal.  In fact, the above one liner isn’t as farfetched as one thought it was, way back in 1993, when John Gage (Robert Redford) posed that question to David Murphy (Woody Harrelson) – a cash-strapped architect from Indecent Proposal. 

The offer, of course, was directed to the architect’s wife, the gorgeous Demi Moore.  Though the couple agrees that this is a way out of their financial dilemma, it threatens to destroy their relationship. Morality triumphs in the end when the couple realise that money is the root of all evil.

Admittedly, the thought of spending one night with Demi Moore – the screen goddess of the 90s, and especially after watching her bare all in Striptease, certainly warrants the necessity of a no-strings-attached sexual relationship.  On the other hand, I am certain most women would consent to an evening with Robert Redford in the same manner, or not?

So how far does one explore the notion of an indecent proposal?  I’ve often resorted to playing this game with my work colleagues; unsurprisingly, the answers vary.  There are a select few who would consent to an indecent proposal with anyone, irrespective of gender, as long as the no-strings-attached principle applies.  Others refrain from answering, although their body language reveals some sort of consideration.  And then there are those who blatantly object, preaching the morality code with an entire thesis or dissertation on “Eternal Damnation” as their supporting argument.

But should an indecent proposal apply only to sex?  Could it be that the 1993 blockbuster has already stigmatised the notion?  As an overweight individual, I am often plagued by thoughts of comfort foods and dessert trays.  Standing outside a patisserie in Covent Garden and staring through the window, a haven of self- indulgence awakens my senses to the most exquisite cakes and patisseries one will ever feast his eyes upon.  Sensing a magnetic pull, I enter the establishment seducing almost every item on the menu.  What follows, is a period of remorse; my mind regrets acting on the initial proposal of self-indulgence and tries to overcome the aftermath of guilt.

For the art collector or car lover, it could mean the same thing: lured in by the idea of what appears to be attractive, and therafter, facing a lifetime of repayments.  

“One million dollars, for one night…with your wife.”  My wife responds to this statement as a despicable example of human-trafficking.  I, on the other hand, believe everyone should “take one for the team.” What do you think?

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 176 – 187: The Return of Paul Lambis

I find myself apologising for my spur-of-the-moment absence from blogging, but, when the network beckons for a television shoot, one literally deserts everything.

August is supposedly an Hakuna Matata month; most of my colleagues have abandoned ship, securing a spot by the beach.  Despite the disadvantages of long hours of sun therapy, one is determined to acquire an all-even coat – an envious tan that boasts rejuvenation and relaxation. 

But, when the producers of my upcoming television series suggested shooting the pilot episode on the cusp of the summer holidays, a group of talented actors found themselves in a beautiful rural setting, absorbing fountains of mineral water under the scorching sun. Admittedly, I found myself abstaining from the buffet of pastries set aside for the cast, and savoured bowls of delicious salads and grilled kebabs. 

Trying to impress my on-screen wife, who, regrettably is a quarter of my size, our first day behind the cameras proved to be an ice-breaker; cuddling under a heavy blanket, dancing on the beach, and romancing in the kitchen and living room allowed us to become overly-acquainted. The next few days of shooting were as comfortable for the rest of the cast, as much as they were for me. I found myself laughing again, enjoying the time with this newly-found family.

I observed an impulsive boost of positive energy.  Time was no longer an enemy, and despite the extreme nature of the sun, I was determined to portray my role of the frustrated, weighty husband to the best of my ability.  The outcome of this new marriage between cast and crew has “success” written all over it.  I am almost certain that the audience will be drawn to our magnetism as soon as the show airs this October.

Behind the curtain, my experience has injected a river of creativity within me. My mind has suddenly focused on a new production which will be performed in theatres throughout Europe from February 2014.  Based on actual events, I have decided to write a play which centres around the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus in 1974.  Titled simply, “74,” I am feverishly researching testimonies of people who experienced undescribable tragedy and loss during the invasion.  Their chilling accounts have encouraged me to step forward and act as a voice (on their behalf), against their oppression.

On a final note, “The Paul Lambis Comedy Shows” will return to Cyprus this November with a different outlook on comedy.  The show will include Improvisational Theatre, and most  of what is performed will be created on the spur-of-the-moment. In its purest form, the dialogue, the action, the story and the characters will be created collaboratively by the players and the audience as the improvisation unfolds.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com