DAY 22: Cliff-hangers

I’m officially a walking zombie.  I’ve spent most of the day walking around the house as an extra for The Walking Dead.  Another visit this morning to the doctor confirmed an additional course of antibiotics, a translucent syrup (which is supposed to relieve the coughing symptoms), and a series of inhalers aimed at alleviating the shortness of breath.

I’m hoping that this new ‘recipe’ will see me through the night, and grant me uninterrupted rest.

Despite the fiddly evening of coughing fits, I woke up feeling lighter – two kilos to be exact.  Turning in the night before, I took a few deep breathes, simultaneously thinking about all the cliff-hangers and unanswered questions which have occupied my thoughts the last two days.

1. Regrettably, Cyprus has entered a second round of voting, extending the presidential elections saga for another week.  I’m hoping that the outcome will be favourable.
2. The television was echoing sounds from the Vatican, reminding us that a new Pope is at hand.
3. Reeva Steenkamp – Oscar Pistorius’ deceased girlfriend, will be buried tomorrow – approximately the same time as Oscar takes the stand, and pleads for his life.
4. Kate Middleton refuses to announce the sex of her baby, so royal enthusiasts will have to wait until the summer.  There is a slight hint that it might be a girl following the Queen’s latest decree that the eldest child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, irrespective of gender, will be entitled to the throne.
5. My novel, “Where is Home? – A Journey of Hilarious Contrasts” is being considered for a possible television series, so I’m hanging onto the hope that this will materialise.

I’ve decided to turn in early for the night.  I’ve just finished watching the latest episodes of Dallas and Revenge, and to be honest, the cliff-hangers have added to my stress levels.  My wife is on the prowl, and I’m concerned that the overdose of medication is diluting my thoughts, allowing me to commit to another house chore unknowingly.

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 21: Elections

My family endured another night of coughing fits and bronchial spasms.  I’m seriously considering calling the village priest, requesting an immediate exorcism.  On the bright side, my diet has entered its third week and I’m surviving.  I should be grateful for this sudden 'detoxification' process, but forgive my bluntness if I refuse to spend another minute on the toilet.

It’s another day in front of the television, but my eyes are hooked on the national channel, following the local elections.

More than one thousand polling stations opened across Cyprus today as the country elects a new president.  About 545,000 people, a record high for Cyprus, are expected to turn out to vote; if there’s no candidate that obtains fifty percent of the vote from the first round, a second round might be held the following Sunday.  I’m hoping this will not be the case. 

Most Cypriots will undoubtedly agree with me that the election advertising campaigns over the last few months have been exceedingly exhausting.  I’m hoping that whatever the outcome, it will certainly move Cyprus into a modern, optimistic and profitable era.  

I mentioned in a past blog that it takes twenty-one days to break a habit; I might have to extend the timeframe.  After shopping on an empty stomach at the local supermarket – something a dieter should never attempt – I managed to stock the fridge at home with wonderful treats.

When I naively offered to attempt the shopping list on Friday night (on my way home from work), I did not realise that the hypermarket would arrange a display of inviting imported chocolates to greet me on arrival. 

I was tempted to sample a small bite, lured to the sales table by a young girl in tight jeans, and rolling my shopping cart forward with two boxes of dark chocolate. 

The second aisle brought me in direct contact with a soirée of German and Danish cheeses – each one of them presented as small, creamy cubes of heaven.  The sampling saga continued in the fourth aisle as I observed the revelation of freshly peeled pomegranates, grounded to create a natural enticing juice. 

Finally, it was the aroma of fresh bread and butter cream biscuits that seized my senses.  I did not submit my hunger emotions to these candidates, but admittedly walked away with one of each for my wife. 

Back at home, I am watching the outcome of the elections, as the three main contenders battle it out.  An informative strip flashes across the bottom of the screen reminding us that Oscar Pistorius is still in prison, denying the charges of premeditated murder. 

I am tempted to reach for a bar of dark chocolate, yearning for a brief sense of comfort, but my coughing persists.  My wife is complaining that I did not adhere to her lengthy shopping list, and she will be forced to leave the house tomorrow for an uncalled for visit to the market.

As Cyprus prepares itself for a new era of politics (hopefully one that does not conform to the mindset of the previous prehistoric dinosaur), I will focus on my family’s well-being, hoping that our local priest answers his phone and eliminates whatever is causing my downfall.

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 20: The Kardashians

The entire family spent the day at home, plagued by an unpredicted virus.  After a quick visit to the pharmacy, and enough antibiotics to see us through the next few days, we resorted to separate rooms – ensuring that the infuriating spell of the flu would not circulate within the household – boomeranging.

My son retreated to his own bedroom, earphones strapped tightly against his ears – listening to the latest reverberating sounds.  My wife opted for our room, engrossed within the latest fashion magazine, and I resorted to the couch – allowing my anomalous figure to submerge itself within its comforts.

Remote in one hand, the entertainment centre of our home would become my domain for the entire afternoon.

Snuggled under a dreamy blanket, I pursued a line-up of award-winning films: Argo, Django Unchained and my personal favourite, Notting Hill.  As my afternoon transformed into a diminishing light, I prepared a healthy, bland meal for the family – hoping to boost their weakened energy levels. 

My son returned with a paper constructed aeroplane, encouraging me to create the same as we spent the next thirty minutes observing which of the two aircrafts could be thrown the farthest.

We had a good laugh, collapsing simultaneously on the couch as we both interrupted our childlike joy with a challenging cough.  I reached for the remote and landed on the promiscuous Kardashians.

My son giggled vociferously as he noticed my disapproval.  I changed the channel quickly, stumbling upon another episode of Kourtney and Kim Taking Miami.

“Weren’t they ‘taking New York’?” I asked my son.

He continued to laugh, commenting about the Kardashians in a language I was unfamiliar with.  It appeared that at least three channels were airing this horrendous family with their tacky voices and their cloned black hair. 

Has the world really subjected themselves to these shallow degenerates?  Do the Kardashians have a fan base that follows them, and even worse, praises them as ‘examples’ in our society?  I am appalled. 

One might suggest I change the channel; after all, it’s a free world.  But the truth remains in the ratings which suggest The Kardashians is a popular primetime television show. 

“Congratulations Kris, you’ve managed to ‘pimp’ your daughters for financial gain.  With absolute no talent, your overrated family has worked its way into our home.”

Reality TV.  Admittedly, I am not a fan of the phenomenon.  I believe it’s time we reverted to the classics, and looked at the epics as examples for our children.  Perhaps we could try and recapture that conservativeness that our grandparents were famously known for?

I’m officially declaring war against The Kardashians.  Five minutes into their show, and I needed a new dose of antibiotics.

Change the channel please…

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 19: Fallen Hero?

I am finding it difficult to absorb the distressing news surrounding Oscar Pistorius – South Africa’s Olympic and Paralympic icon.  Without sounding dated, Oscar Pistorius appeared early this morning at the Pretoria Magistrate’s Court to face charges of murder; the court denying his bail claiming Pistorius had premeditated the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

Pistorius made history in London last year when he became the first double-amputee track athlete to compete in the Olympic Games as well as the Paralympic Games.

In 2008 I was involved in a near-fatal accident which left me paralysed for six months; at the time, the prospect of walking was bleak and uncertain.

It’s customary for people who have suffered an accident of this magnitude to experience a bout of self-pity – it was part of the healing process. 

Shock is the first emotion, followed by Anger.  One begins to question, and surrenders into an abyss of Sympathy. When Acceptance finally emerges, the research begins; the hunt to find something, or someone to associate and reassure.

I entered a labyrinth of motivational books, spiritual verses and hopeful autobiographies.  I searched endlessly to find an icon – a hero, who could become a symbol of hope for my recovery. And, in 2012, he entered my world in the form of Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar’s disability became a symbol of determination – to persevere and reach my goal.  In my own reality programme, I amalgamated my thoughts and ambitions, determined to succeed. After all, if Oscar could do it with no legs, imagine how much easier it would be for me to achieve my aspirations with a mere scar?

I delayed my blog today following the outcome of events.  My thoughts are distorted, and my feelings unsure.  My friends could not understand my emptiness, but I feel that all the promises I had invested were unexpectedly taken.  I’m hoping that Oscar will come through for all those who identified him as their beacon of hope.  At the deep end of the ocean, we are all waiting for that announcement, "An unfortunate mistake," but at the moment, all we can see is a fallen hero. Hopefully he will prove us wrong. 

But the reality is that Oscar has been charged, and Reeva Steenkamp is no longer with us.  And as for what really happened, I guess time will tell. 

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,

visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 18: Valentine's Day

The most commercialised day is upon us.  Almost every shop I’ve been into this week has been exaggeratedly decorated in red, urging you to spoil the one you love.  As children, we were often caught up in the hype of this well-marketed event, often suggesting to our father that he should get something special for mom.  He often relied on the cliché that, “one did not need a specific day to prove his love.”

My sister and I would find it difficult to grasp such an insensitive opinion, and often blamed my father’s response to his traditional (sometimes ignorant) Cypriot upbringing – unaware of the importance of western traditions.

Admittedly, before the novelty of Valentine’s wore off, I was caught up in the magical lovey-dovey images of hearts, candy and cupid.  In fact, I even proposed to my wife on this day, slipping my question into a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant in Johannesburg. 

But sixteen years into my marriage, I am inclined to agree with my father.  My wife and I have celebrated Valentine’s Day in the past, bringing all the proverbial gifts to the party: chocolate-coated strawberries, antique-silk roses, an intimate evening at our favourite restaurant, or even a weekend trip to a seaside resort and spa.

But the reality lies within our pockets at the moment.  The unfortunate economic climate dictates the quality and quantity of gifts brought to the table. 

So, instead of a shrimp cocktail entrée, Duck a l’Orange (as a main meal) and Crème Brulee for dessert, we will have to settle for grilled chicken breast and chocolate-coated digestive biscuits with coffee.  Not quite what I had in mind, but at least it’s within budget.

As for the diet, I am well within my limits; but if my wife decides to add more to dessert, I will ecstatically accept.  If not, I will resort to the erotic romance waiting patiently for me on my nightstand; Fifty Shades of Grey, and enough steam to encourage Valentine’s on a regular basis.

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, 
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 17: False Advertising

How many times are we lured into buying something – basing our decision entirely on the image portrayed on the packaging?

For example, the “Instant Cake Mix” at the local supermarket, displays a flawless vanilla sponge cake, drizzled with a layer of syrup-drenched Maraschino cherries.  And what’s even more convincing, are the contented faces of the children, observing their mother as she attempts to take a slice of her ‘mammoth’ creation.

Needless to say, the final product of your cake mix looks nothing like the advertised image; you end up spending the rest of your afternoon cleaning the worthless mess in your kitchen – cursing dreadfully.

As an experienced advertiser and ‘marketeer’, I found myself on the receiving end of the stick this morning, and admittedly was not impressed.  My wife purchased a box of underwear for me – the “XXL” size could not have been more visible on the packaging, as was the picture of a robust male, flexing his muscles.

After an excruciating three minutes, and incalculable attempts to stretch the pair of underwear from one end of the room to the other, I slipped into my new briefs, looking nothing like the image on the box. 

Standing in front of my full length mirror, I stared at my whopping reflection – feeling angry and threatened at the same time. 

My wife tried to console me by complimenting my weight loss, but all I could think of was David Beckham, and his newly launched advertising campaign for H & M. 

Beckham complimented his new line of underwear by saying, “it’s a true reflection of what every man wants to wear.” 

“Well David, let me know if this is a true reflection of the image conjured up in your mind, when you were designing your line of clothing?”

I have invested in a plethora of dieting books over the years.  One of these books (written by an American-Greek nutritionist), deals with the psychological aspects of dieting.  “It’s important to take all your negative emotions, and transform them into positive and motivational feelings.”

Easier said than done, when all I wanted to do was contact the manufacturing clothing company, and sue them for every damn penny!

It’s not their fault that I am ‘slightly’ overweight, but I would appreciate a more realistic approach when advertising an “XXL” size of briefs. 

Don’t use an undersized, malnourished model to represent my group of people – thoughtless bastards!

I’m on an advertising protest.  I am seriously reconsidering my approach to conveying the message, and I encourage you all to do the same.  It’s time we all took a stand against the false advertising which exists out there… 

My first target is McDonalds.  The double cheeseburger advertised on every damn billboard in Cyprus is not a true representation of the final product.  And as for the “100% pure beef” message, screaming across the top left corner – I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  

For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 16: Trials and Tribulations

I’m convinced that there’s someone out there chanting my name over a voodoo pot.  I’m not a superstitious human being, but there must be some explanation for all the obstacles which are forever chasing me.

I recently collected my car from the garage after some invalid decided to parallel-park next to me, simultaneously taking out my entire bumper.  It was almost a ‘hit and run’ episode, but thankfully the cameras (posted on every corner of the office park where I work), caught the fool on tape, and forced him to admit his crime.

Upon confrontation, he tried to offer me a parking lesson, ignoring the fact that my car was parked lawfully and his happened to swallow up three quarters of the pavement – totally obstructing the ramp for the disabled.

As I raised my voice sternly, he withdrew like a tortoise to its shell; I’m assuming my weight had something to do with it.

Almost two weeks into the second month of the year, and my son is rushed to hospital for an acute asthma attack.  Back on antibiotics and a strong dose of steroids, we returned home and are on the path to recovery.

I almost ran over a woman who was attempting to cross the road – mobile in one hand and a cigarette in the other, who accused me of negligence? 

And finally, I arrived at work exceedingly late, and my bank manager calls to verify my existence on this planet.  Apparently someone with the same name passed away last night, and my manager was following up with a call to see, “if it was me who kicked the bucket.”

I assured her that I was alive and well, and that all my monthly payments (due to the bank), would continue as normal.

I was trying to find some element of hope which would encourage me to get through this bizarre day.  My wife called to confirm my presence at lunch; boiled chicken with lemon – how tempting.  My work colleague is painfully quiet today – thankfully, there’s no food association there. 

A friend of mine has invited me to her newly launched diner, and I’m tempted to attack her sizzling barbeque pork ribs. No sexual connotation there...

But, every cloud has a silver lining.  Mine happens to air tonight at 9pm in the form of “Dallas.”  I am seriously obsessed with the second series; intrigue, sex, greed, power, vengeance – everything you could ever wish for, crammed into a forty-five minute episode (and, in high definition).  But what concerns me is the future absence of Larry Hagman – the devious J.R. Ewing.

The producers of the show have reported that Dallas will culminate with the death and subsequent funeral of the veteran actor.  Larry Hagman had already finished filming most of his scenes for the second season, but the show had to undergo script and production changes to deal with the actor’s absence.  The production team has decided to devote a full episode to the death of Hagman’s iconic character and the fallout of such an event on the show’s fictional universe.

Although I am finding it difficult to conceal my excitement for tonight’s show, I remain concerned as to the life-span of television’s most successful primetime epic.  After all, is there life after J.R. Ewing? We’ll have to wait and see.

In the meantime, I’m back on solid ground.  That ‘witch’ who is brewing up my stew of trials and tribulations better take into account that I have a stream of followers who are supporting me (on my diet and through my blog).  With so much support, it’s almost impossible to fail.

My grandmother once said: “Problems are given to us to test our strength.”  If that’s the case, then I better gear up for a thicker coat of skin. 

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  

For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com