DAY 12: Predictions

I can recall an innumerable amount of people who spent the last part of 2012, counting down to Armageddon. Admittedly, as much as I tried to disregard the Mayan prophecy, I found myself stocking up with a sufficient supply of frozen foods and soups from Marks and Spencer, ensuring that my family would not starve for at least two months.

I was overwhelmed with the paranoia, finding it difficult to ignore my work colleagues, who were constantly on the warpath to prove the legitimacy of these predictions.

One of these colleagues, a fellow South African, happens to be the ‘guru’ of Google research.  In fact, any ailment, global concern or spiritual theory – my colleague will dedicate a considerable amount of time to reach her own version of truth. 

Today’s item on the agenda happened to be a meteor, which would be scraping past the earth’s atmosphere in the early hours of tomorrow morning. 

Having my own spiritual martyr does have its advantages.  Through my work colleague, I have acquired a wealth of intriguing finds; ‘royals’ are referred to as “blue-blooded” due to the after-effects of colloidal silver found in their cutlery (in the late 1400s), Cyprus is under “chemical attack” after an alleged conspiracy to reduce the island’s population, and that the entire world is under siege by a group of aliens who are attempting to interbreed with humans…

I’ve been looking at my colleague from a different point-of-view. Despite my grocery cupboard at home bursting with enough cans to open my very own soup kitchen, and the fact that I have spent the last twelve days associating her with food, there might be some truth to her madness.

My Google findings have revealed that chemical trails do exist, and that Cyprus has been protesting these “crimes against humanity.”

Henry VIII appeared to have a blue skin tone, due to the colloidal silver emitted from the extensive use of silverware, but what about the aliens?

Could my work colleague be referring to those who have abducted my body, and transformed it into the Starship Enterprise?

I’ve asked my colleague to investigate a quick-fix solution to my problem.  I have always fantasised about a 'DIY Liposuction machine', but there are no such items on the market.  If I had to dwell on the theory that aliens have inhabited my body, this would make absolute sense, and the reason for my delayed weight loss could be that they do not speak my language.

I better ask her to research an online ‘Alien-English’ dictionary.  If we manage to break the boundaries of communication, then I would be able to hit the beaches this summer season.

Until such time, I will continue dieting.  Grilled chicken again, with a side serving of boiled broccoli and lemon-drenched asparagus – great! 

There’s a cupboard at home, over inhabited by tins of soup and a freezer bursting with excitement.  If my work colleague’s theory is correct, then tomorrow could be our last day on earth.  Perhaps I should make it count?

Weight for me tomorrow (or not?). Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  

For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com