DAY 55: Japanese Diet

I’ve been given a diet from a colleague at work outlining the benefits of eating meals, belonging to a specific food category.  For example, if I chose to consume meat on Monday, all meals for the remainder of the day would have to include meat.  Should my preference on Tuesday be cheese – breakfast, lunch and dinner would comprise of a platter of dairy products.

As peculiar as it sounds, my excitement levels urged me to follow her suggestion; after all, Asians are world renowned for their alternative healing methods.

My work colleague advised me that if I adhered to this “Japanese Diet,” I would see extraordinary results in a short period of time.  After careful consideration, and almost an hour of intense debate, I was convinced that her method would prove ineffective towards my expectant, rapid transformation.  Voicing my concerns over my outsized body – resembling that of a sumo wrestler, my work colleague proceeded to supply me with an alternative plan: The Japanese Sumo Wrestler’s Diet.

A healthy man is thought to have a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 18. The BMI of a professional sumo wrestler is rarely found to be below 45. The sumo wrestler’s diet and lifestyle is the key to his exceptionally large weight, and despite the general opinion of most people, this is achieved through very rigorous eating and sleeping strategies rather than a mass indulgence in foods with high fat content.

The diet was supplied to me in Japanese – I looked to Google for an immediate translation.  As I continued to read my way through the peculiar methodology, it appeared that my work colleague was ‘slightly’ misinformed; I was appealing to her for a weight-loss programme, and she was inviting me to sign my own death warrant. 

This Japanese eating regime encouraged an increase of the daily calorie intake from three thousand (the average consumption for an adult male), to an alarming twenty-thousand.

My colleague was under the impression that my heftiness was intentional; an attempt for me to break the world record in sumo wrestling at the forthcoming Olympic Games.

The Japanese Sumo Wrestler’s Diet included drinking beer with meals, exercising on an empty stomach (a procedure known to decrease ones metabolic rate), socialising with every meal – we tend to consume more food as it takes us longer to get full, and taking a nap after lunch. 

I noticed the disclaimer at the bottom of the page, reduced to a line of miniature dots; the average life expectancy on the sumo wrestler’s diet was between 60-65 years.  There was even a possibility of reducing the years by ten, due to life-threatening illnesses such as diabetes, liver disease, heart disease, arthritis and high blood pressure.

The global economic crisis and the Cypriot bailout plan have certainly played their part in my sudden weight increase.  My stress levels have encouraged a contagious carbohydrate plague which is rapidly spreading into my daily eating programme.

The government has advised us to “calm down, and face each day as it comes.”  They continue to reassure us that “all will return to normal within a period of three years;” a sufficient amount of time as I prepare for the Sumo Wrestling Division at the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro.  

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com