DAY 38: Men vs Women

It’s simply the truth and there is no escaping it. Men and women are fundamentally different and I'm not referring to the obvious gender-specific body part kind of way. Rather, I'm talking about what each of us does, as a member of the opposite sex; how we think and feel that makes us belong to either the Adam or the Eve party.
If of course, you have the necessary body parts but are not a hundred percent comfortable in your gender-specific camp, I suggest you get your hormone levels examined (testosterone and oestrogen have a lot to answer for).

I thought I’d take a look at certain defining situations and circumstances, and examine how Adam and Eve deal with each one.

First and foremost, it’s the fundamental difference in our bathroom habits. Taking the obvious methodology of how we actually physically use the bathroom out of the equation, men and women’s approach to the bathroom couldn’t be more different if it tried. Men’s approach is strictly for business. Go in, do your business as efficiently and quickly as possible and get out, preferably alone. Women, on the other hand use this opportunity as a bonding social event. It’s more often than not a group outing, where a variety of topics are discussed; men will hardly talk to each other in the bathroom, women use it as one of their greatest bonding locations.

This of course leads me onto the subject of toiletries. Ask a man how many items are in his bathroom cabinet (assuming of course his wife/ girlfriend have allocated him any space), and he will be able to list them using one hand. He has his razor, shaving cream, toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant. Ask a woman the same question and she may look at you with great surprise.

“What do you mean how many items are in the bathroom cabinet? Don’t you mean how many kinds of items instead?”

 A good test would be to examine all possible storage facilities in any woman’s bathroom (and that includes one she may be sharing with a man), and see for yourself how many kinds of shower gel a woman is capable of using simultaneously. Ask the same woman why she needs more than one of anything and the answer will be quite simple; it’s how she feels at the specific moment she is about to use the product. One day she may feel she needs to use a cream-based soap, another day it may be an inherent pull from somewhere deep within to use an aromatherapy-based herbal wash – which has been sourced from a fair-trade country because she wants to make her contribution to those less fortunate than her. The most important thing to realise when it comes to women and their toiletries is that even though she may have a variety of the same thing, each and every one is absolutely vital and necessary.

The next stop is the bedroom, but not for the obvious reason; rather it’s how a man and woman each approach sleep. As we have been told by many experts, we spend half of our lives asleep, so it makes sense then that where and how we choose to rest our weary heads is very important. It seems though, that much like the ability to stand up to perform certain vital functions, men can pretty much fall asleep anywhere with the couch seeming to be the most practical and common location.

For a woman though, where she chooses to place her well-creamed (using one of her many products found in the bathroom) face and just-brushed hair is a matter of great scientific and aesthetic research and exploration. Firstly, it’s all about the mattress; it must be well-sprung but supremely soft at the same time. She must be able to lie in all her favourite positions and close her eyes safe in the knowledge that she has invested her (or his) money wisely. The next step to a good night’s sleep has to be how the mattress is decorated, combined with the overall look and feel of the bedroom. This is one domain where the man generally should give up on any kind of input because his opinion or own requirements are neither wanted nor needed.

There will usually be a plethora of pillows, duvets and throws, all of which usually weigh about as much as the mattress itself.  It is of vital importance that everything matches – creating a harmonious and peaceful environment, so that the best possible sleep is ensured. For the man, it’s simply a case of television, couch and sleep with no added extras.

When it comes to eating – my favourite pastime, getting the food and creating the meal could be said to date back all the way to the era of the cave man, when our prehistoric ancestors were faced with battling a range of wild animals to kill – something to bring home to his woman who was busy making their cave pretty with all sorts of leaves and flowers.

Then the invention of fire lead to the next essential process in the evolution of eating habits – the barbeque – which brings us to one of the most fundamental differences between men and women. When faced with a barbeque, the man will go to the butchery, get as much meat as he can, take it home, pour some salt over it for flavour and throw it on the fire, all the while drinking his beer or whichever alcoholic beverage quenches his manly, caveman-like thirst. The woman on the other hand, will spend a few hours planning a menu, work out who has been invited to join the feast and plan the meal according to the preferences of the guests; and by preferences of course, it is implied that it’s the women who have preferences – the men will happily eat whatever dead animal is burning over the coals.

The woman will choose a theme of chicken, meat or fish and then decide what kind of seasoning to use. Will it be a Mexican theme, Mediterranean or something French? The next step will involve the choice of accompanying dishes as well as the appropriate beverages to serve.

I personally believe that it may seem very exhausting to be a woman, what with all the decisions, choices and processes, but once it is understood that the woman is "always right, and that the man is there to lift heavy objects, take care of all the practical things and generally support and love the woman," then everyone is very happy and content.

Unless, of course, it’s that time of the month; that’s when all rules and understanding fly out the window and the real fun begins.

Weight for me tomorrow. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com