DAYS 461-477: Prayers for Bobby, Prayers for Cyprus

I'm fairly conservative in my theological views. I believe that the Bible is morally authoritative, that sex is for marriage, and that promiscuity is harmful to everyone involved. But, for many years of my life, I also believed that all homosexual behaviour was wrong — whether it consisted of anonymous hookups or committed relationships. I believed, based on what I was taught that even the most loving and monogamous of same-sex relationships was evil in God's eyes.  In recent years, my view on that subject changed. I now believe that homosexual behaviour is appropriate within the confines of a committed, loving, monogamous, lifelong relationship.

As Cyprus’ first-ever gay pride parade draws near the Church began its onslaught, calling homosexuality, “an affliction and a moral downfall.” The Holy Synod, headed by Archbishop Chrysostomos, said events like gay pride parades were “saddening and worrying.”

The Church claims that science says that homosexuality is an affliction. “Therefore it should be properly treated. The church is opposed to all attempts for homosexuality to be socially accepted and protected by law.”

The Synod said homosexuality has led to a global lax in morality, which in turn has led to “tragic results such as an increase in divorce, paedophilia, people dying of AIDS, families torn apart, the unnatural adoption of children and many more. These are the strongest arguments against this unnatural way of life,” it said.

Much to my disappointment, I’ve been embroiled in debates about homosexuality many times, and every time, someone defending homosexual behaviour brings up divorce.  “If marriage is so important to you,” the retort will go, “why don’t you ever talk about the sin of divorce?”  The implication being: “You are just picking on homosexuals.  You don’t follow the literal letter of the law any more than we do.  If you did, you would be focusing on divorce, because that’s the bigger issue in our churches.”

Consensus now exists that paedophilia is a distinct sexual orientation, not something that develops in someone who is homosexual or heterosexual. Some people with paedophilic urges are also attracted to adults, and may act only on the latter urges. Because people with paedophilic urges tend to be attracted to children of a particular gender, they are sometimes described in the literature as heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual paedophiles. Homosexual adults are no more likely than heterosexuals to abuse children.

HIV is a gay disease – a myth that refuses to die. Misinformation, fear, ignorance and media sensationalism continue to fuel this myth in Cyprus. For every one person like me trying to tell the truth about HIV transmission, there seems to be a dozen shrieking, simpleminded people with a staggering inability to grasp reality.

HIV is not a gay disease. All of us are at risk in getting HIV from unsafe sex or other modes of blood to blood contact, like sharing needles. Television talk shows and all those fundamentalist/conservative/family values groups are chock full of flaky, clueless lightweights who made up their minds twenty years ago that HIV is a product of the so-called "gay lifestyle" and it's God's wrath on homosexuals. These poor creatures are so invested in this myth that they are incapable of hearing the truth. They continue to spew their self-righteous, delusional feculence to the detriment of all humanity. They are, in fact, shameless, insidious prevaricators driven solely by their irrational loathing and fear of homosexuality.

God does not ask us to choose between compassion and faith in the Bible. Christians are increasingly divided over the issue of the acceptance and inclusion of gay persons into the church. The debate itself is usually framed as essentially pitting the Bible, on one hand, against compassion and social justice on the other. Our Christian hearts compel us to grant full moral and legal equality to gay and lesbian people.

Compassion for others is the fundamental cornerstone of Christian ethics; the Bible is the bedrock of the Christian faith. What Christian can possibly choose between the two?

The answer is that no Christian is called upon to make that choice. The text of the Bible on one hand, and full equality for gay and lesbian people on the other, is a false dichotomy. God would not ask or expect Christians to ever choose between their compassion and their faith.

Reconciling the Bible with unqualified acceptance and equality for LGBT people does not necessitate discounting, recasting, or deconstructing the Bible. All it takes is reading those passages of the Bible wherein homosexuality is mentioned with the same care that we would any other passage of the book.

We can trust God; we can trust that God loves. And we can trust that we can take God, in this matter, as in all things, at his word. If there is no clearly stated directive in the Bible to sideline and banish gay people, then it is morally indefensible for Christians to continue to do so. What cannot be denied is that Christians have caused a great deal of pain and suffering to gay persons by:

·         Banning their participation in the church, thus depriving them of the comforts and spiritual fruits of the church.

·         Banning their participation in the sacrament of marriage, thus depriving them of the comforts and spiritual fruits of marriage.

·         Damaging the bonds between gays and their straight family members, thus weakening the comforts and spiritual fruits of family life for both gays and their families.

·         Using their position within society as spokespersons for God to proclaim that all homosexual relations are disdained by God, thus knowingly contributing to the cruel persecution of a minority population.

Christians do not deny that they have done these things. However, they contend that they have no choice but to do these things, based on what they say is a clear directive about homosexuals delivered to them by God through the Holy Bible. They assert that the Bible defines all homosexual acts as sinful, instructs them to exclude from full participation in the church all non-repentant sinners (including gay people), and morally calls upon them to publicly (or at least resolutely) denounce homosexual acts.

Without an explicit directive from God to exclude and condemn homosexuals, the Christian community’s treatment of gay persons is in clear violation of what Jesus and the New Testament writers pointedly identified as one-half of God’s most important commandment: to love one’s neighbour as one’s self.

A recent spiritual journey on YouTube led me to a movie titled “Prayers for Bobby”. Based on the life of Bobby Griffith, this all-American boy grew up as an innocent, happy and intelligent child with an obedient and gentle spirit. But as he grew into adolescence, he discovered that he was attracted to other teenage boys his age or older and not girls. And because Bobby was raised as a devout Christian and was taught that being gay was one of the worst sins imaginable, he believed that he was defective, that he was going to burn in Hell for eternity, and that he was unworthy of God’s love.

Bobby was very aware of his church’s teachings because he was very active in the Walnut Creek Presbyterian Church in Walnut Creek, California along with his brother, two sisters and mother, Mary, who taught Sunday school. Unable to handle the irresolvable daily struggles and conflict with both his family and his religion, Bobby jumped off a bridge onto a busy highway in front of a large tractor trailer in Portland, Oregon and was killed instantly due to massive internal injuries.

His detailed personal diaries are filled with diatribes of self-hate because he believed that as a homosexual, he was a worthless human being and innately evil – a tool of the Devil. He believed these things because that was what his church taught. He thought that he had no reason to live because he wasn’t allowed to love who he was attracted to and was damned no matter what he did.

The grieving Mary Griffith was convinced that she was very much to blame for her son’s incomprehensible death. Because of her constant and incessant preaching to him of the evilness of homosexuality, by continually quoting a stream of bible verses at him in a campaign to convince him to “change” from being gay to straight, which she later learned was not possible, and by being openly ashamed of him, she believed that in her ignorance she had unknowingly helped push him over the edge. She came to believe that she had sacrificed her child in the name of rigid, uncaring religious tradition when all she should have done was tell him that he was perfectly all right just as he was. After his death her beloved church turned its back on the surviving family and was unable to help them explain what went wrong or offer much comfort. She then reexamined her theology and beliefs about homosexuality and was herself radically transformed when she educated herself about the truth of what it means to be gay or lesbian.

Mary Griffith's reexamination of her theology consisted of two very important things that she did after she read her son’s revealing diaries. The first was to find out from the minister of the local Concord Metropolitan Community Church, Larry Whitsell, that there was an alternative and much more compassionate, logical and accurate view of the teachings in the Bible which accepted her gay son just the way he was, that he was neither defective nor dammed and that God would never have wanted him to try to change himself into a heterosexual. The second was to get to know the members of the local P-FLAG* organisation, and to sit in on their meetings and listen to the heart wrenching stories of these families who have a loved one who is gay or lesbian. Since then she has been a national crusader for gay and lesbian youth, doing her best to right the terrible wrongs that society and the organised church have inflicted on this stigmatised and denigrated minority.

Back on the home front, the Head of European Commission Representation in Cyprus Giorgos Markopouliotis said, “LGBT people were victims of discrimination on a daily basis which forces them to hide their identity as a survival strategy. An EU study conducted in 2012 amongst the LGBT community showed that half of them were victims of discrimination or were harassed due to their sexual orientation.”

Markopouliotis said that in Cyprus thirty-nine per cent of gay peoples shy away from publicly expressing their sexual identity, fearing that they will be targeted. Seventy-six per cent claim that they don’t hold hands with their partner in public while fifty-six per cent said they had been victims of discrimination.

The gay community has cried out for justice in Cyprus for many years.  The suffering imposed on gay persons is severe and unchristian like; the directive from God to marginalise and ostracise gay people would have to be clear and explicit in the Bible. If there is no such clearly stated directive, then the continued mistreatment of gay and lesbian people is morally indefensible, and must cease.

The recent support shown by remarkable icons such as Whoopi Goldberg, Olympia Dukakis and Harry Mavromichalis is an inspiring prayer to all Cypriots to embrace and welcome the first Gay pride festival in Cyprus, and a sign that Cyprus is finally making strides in leaving behind prejudices.

*P-FLAG is a national organisation and support group of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

DAYS 399 – 460: Cyprus, elections, and a bowl of goldfish

As a citizen of a ‘democratic’ country, I am compelled to exercise my right to the freedom of speech.  Expressing one’s thoughts and opinions about the current state of affairs has become a favourite past time, particularly in Cyprus.  The masses have invaded the corner coffee boutiques; these havens of backgammon and long winded frappe-drinking sessions, have rapidly transformed into parliaments of political rallies: troops of disgruntled people voicing their concerns over an ailing economy, a banking system that can only be deemed “effective” – if one is playing by their own rules, and a government that resembles a barnyard fiesta. 

Admittedly, one would not want to assume any administrative role during these problematic times, but one has to acknowledge the kindergarten antics of the faunae trying to manage the island.  And what’s more alarming, is the state of decay on the streets which are constantly overlooked by the disciples – the mayors, who believe that a few hanging plants, dotted around the old market, will disguise the string of bankrupt shops, lining the cash-stricken streets of the town.  I’m appalled at the notion of Pafos presenting itself as the “Cultural Capital of Europe in 2017” without any functional theatre in sight.  And even more alarming, is the confidence of these individuals, marketing themselves to the coffee-induced masses for a vote in the upcoming European parliament elections. 

Undeniably, there are a few worthy candidates floating around; fingers crossed for the honest, pro-active individuals to represent our injured nation abroad.

The local channels are airing their daily low-budget soapies; scenarios that could easily convince one to grab the nearest object in sight and cause self-induced bodily harm.  I reach for the electricity account, resting unopened on the coffee table; the amount due could easily impose heart failure.  I continue to work my way through the pile of envelopes, lost in a sea of supermarket specials, listening simultaneously to the news; the “Cyprus Problem” is on the agenda. 

“The focus of resolving our island’s four-decade division is of vital importance,” says the barnyard autocrat, pounding his fist on the podium as his glasses steam up.  A roaring applause ensues – members of his own political party, idolising their rooster.  A plethora of empty promises are made as the camera captures an ironic grin confirming a solution to the island’s division, no matter what the cost.  A thought bubble suggests that, “I will be the one who goes down in history as the man who resolved the Cyprus issue.”

More news.  The tourism board has reported that Cyprus is on the mend, thanks to the influx of tourists heading to our sun-soaked shores this summer.  A slight hint of optimism, as we begin polishing our social skills, fine-tuning our renowned joie de vivre, and practice our glass-balancing-on-our-head talent to impress the tourists.  In true Cypriot style, we unfurl the red carpet at both airports, raise the prices on our menus and souvenir items, and wait for our European brothers and sisters to help management  put our country back on track.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has recently written, produced and co-directed a riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 348 – 398: Temporary Insanity

It’s official.  Thirty-three days have trampled my one year goal-weight mark, and the word ‘diet’ has been archived together with those other gloomy terms which represent ‘health’ and ‘fitness’.  I had ignored all the principles of healthy eating, and consumed at least one hundred McDonalds chicken burgers en route to the last month of rehearsals.  But, despite the risk of heart disease and future diabetes, and the fact that I had contributed entirely to the local McDonalds’ monthly rental agreement, I refuse to take the blame for my recent waywardness; it all boils down to an unfortunate case of Temporary Insanity.

The pressures of staging a theatrical production in Cyprus, on the scale of “74”, were immense.  Although the cast and crew of my latest theatrical play proved, on many occasion, to be the greatest ensemble one could ever hope for, the task of raising the funds was arduous.  The past week has seen my production team working feverishly behind the scenes, eager to balance the books, and open a new chapter for “Melina” – my next exciting play scheduled for the summer.

Amidst the ‘crisis’, I am reminded by my spouse that the period of Lent is one of spiritual reconciliation, and an opportunity to resume a healthy way of life.  My Orthodox beliefs dictate that all meat, eggs and dairy products be eliminated from my daily intake, and that one is required to leave all sinful attitudes behind.  I responded enthusiastically to this ritual by stocking up the refrigerator with an abundance of vegetables and fish.  The cupboards in the kitchen were replenished with organic products and healthy, low-calorie preserves, endless supplies of bottled spring water and enough rice cakes to satisfy the entire overweight population of Cyprus. 

Heading off to work, I am reminded yet again that the roads in Cyprus resemble the aftermath of a civil war.  After swerving to avoid a ditch in the centre of the road, and a cat attempting to cross the lane at the same time, I observed my tyre stumbling over two nails, resting on the side of the street from the ongoing nearby construction site.  The dust populating the atmosphere – an annual sandstorm ‘treat’ which the people of Cyprus are forced to endure from the neighbouring Sahara desert, made visibility difficult.  As I attempted to change my tyre, a freak rainstorm decided to bless our water-stricken earth, flooding everything in its path; the cat was compelled to surf along the side of the road, gripping tightly onto a broken olive tree branch.

I experienced a brief sense of rage as my mouth recited every irreverent word that came to mind.

Back at the office, the reality of unpaid salaries and demotivation continues to plague the workforce.  An atmosphere of fury develops, and one is made to feel guilty when questioning the whereabouts of ones wages.  The powers that be are unable to commit to any payment date, as I envisage myself storming through the management offices with a machine gun, firing on everyone in sight.  A strong case of Temporary Insanity would justify my motives.

Oscar Pistorius is back on trial in South Africa, as the tax payer continues to bear the brunt of an over-publicised trial.  The mayor of my hometown remains totally oblivious to the fact that there is a countdown clock posted outside his office; there are less than three years until the town inherits the ‘Cultural Capital’ crown, and Pafos hardly boasts any decent theatres suitable for hosting the events.

A tube of sour cream and chives flavoured Pringles have brought a smile to my face; a tub of cottage cheese serves as the perfect accompaniment. A plate of de-pipped olives, shaved slices of salami, diced and salted tomato, asparagus coated with olive oil and crushed black pepper, pickled beetroot and fried Halloumi cheese are humming a chorus of joyful, gospel noise.  This is my perfect recipe for ‘spiritual reconciliation’.  And, if anyone feels indifferent, it’s a simple case of Temporary Insanity.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has recently written, produced and co-directed a riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 295 – 347: A Message from The Queen

On the surface, it may seem I have suffered from a severe case of writer’s block for more than fifty days; my lengthy absence from the blogging scene has brought on a tidal wave of emails, most of which are questioning my existence on Mother Earth.  I am alive!

I’ve thrown myself into a sea of paperwork.  I’m working feverishly to rid myself of any excess administrative work as I enter the final phase of rehearsals, deadlines, expressive outbursts and rivers of caffeine… The theatrical production of “74” is scheduled to premiere in Cyprus on the 19^th February 2014.

I kick-started the new year under the mystical chimes of Big Ben.  New Year’s Eve in London is certainly the most effective way to celebrate the riddance of what was, the most disastrous year in the history of Cyprus.  2014 has armed me against all negativity, despite the fact that my recent battle of the bulge saw me defeated through the bouroughs of London’s gourmet street markets.  My daily routine would start off with a respectable serving of brown toast and low-fat cheese spread. Within two hours, I would find myself queuing up for a waffle or crepe, dunked in a bottle of hazelnut chocolate spread, and then heading off to the pie and pastry stand for another mid-morning fiesta. No comment.

I’m back on a low-calorie diet of shakes and soups.  I’m hoping my appearance on stage will resemble the part of a distraught soldier in my war drama, but I’m feeling more like an ogre these days; hopefully the audience won’t mistake my appearance with Shrek’s.

On a lighter note, I stumbled across a humorous ‘message’ from The Queen, and I thought I would share it with you: (I hope my American friends will forgive me…)

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has written, and will be directing the riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 274 – 294: On and Off!

After a lengthy absence from the blogging scene, I have finally re-entered society with an unusually positive outlook on life.  I’m not implying that I have miraculously won the lottery, although an injection of cash into my drought-stricken bank account would certainly limit the repetitive calls from my conceited bank manager, but my sudden weight loss has steered the ship of optimism towards that blinking light at the end of the tunnel.

My love for public speaking has found a new home: a weekday radio slot that allows me to express my thoughts on the opulent and promiscuous lives of the pop stars, my envy towards Maroon 5’s Adam Levine for being voted People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive,” and an opportunity to share my new sense of cheerfulness with the rest of the world.  On a global scale, one can also acquire a taste of my morning boost by tuning in through the miraculous wonders of the world-wide-web.

After twelve years of social confinement, the town of Pafos has finally unveiled a new landmark that boasts beamingly as “the largest mall on the island of Cyprus.”  I’m feeling a great sense of pride knowing that the name and logo decorating the walls of this shopping mecca, was conceived and designed by yours truly. Thank you very much.

The upside of a new shopping centre in the hub of the tourist district, allows those visiting our island to savour our evolving westernisation – our thirst for modernisation in our quaint, traditional world.  On the downside, this new mammoth will become the honeycomb for the swarm of masses, while unfortunately, the rest of the town unwillingly reverts to dormancy.  Thankfully, our indolent mayor has decided to revive the old ‘agora’ through a series of belated activities, some of which include a rusty Thomas-the-train replica, choo-chooing around the streets of the ancient town while the odd tourist samples a small taste of shoujouko. Guess who I’ll be voting for in the next round of elections?

My upcoming production “74” has secured an enormous following from the media, with a stamp of approval from the First Lady of Cyprus and a plethora of other mayors and political figures from Cyprus and abroad.  This prestigious endorsement acknowledges the hard work and sacrifices made by an exceptional team of individuals, some of which I remain forever indebted to. 

One of the actors commented on Facebook that “it takes a village” to produce a successful show, and “thankfully, there is a fantastic one behind this production.”

Our first photo shoot with the leading ladies of “74”, kick-started a great campaign on Facebook, attracting hundreds of ‘likes’ to the page.  It seems that the majority of those commenting on our timeline share our hopes for a ‘united’ Cyprus – a thirst for those countless refugees, who abandoned their homes in a flight for survival on that infamous summer morning of 1974, to finally return home.  Our aim for this production is to create global awareness of the “Cyprus Problem” and to highlight the division of our island after forty years of Turkish occupation.

Politics aside, tomorrow evening welcomes the premier of an award-winning film to the shores of Aphrodite. Papadopoulos and Sons, written and directed by Marcus Markou, follows the story of a self-made millionaire who reluctantly reunites with his estranged freewheeling brother, after his his ruin in the latest banking crisis, to re-open an abandoned fish and chip shop they shared in their youth.  I’m finding it hard to contain my excitement, as this event will allow me the opportunity to reunite with an exceptional friend, who emigrated back to the United Kingdom not long ago.

As the day progresses, I am finding that the mountain of pending items on my “to do” list are making it difficult for me to reach the peak.  Modern Family  has released a new episode, and the thought of abandoning my ongoing commitments to a quiet moment on the couch seems tempting.  My existent battle of the bulge might not be coming to an end yet, but my sources reveal that if I keep downing my soups and shakes, I will grace next year’s cover of People magazine as “the sexiest man alive.” Eat your heart out Adam Levine; two can play at that game.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has written, and will be directing the riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 258 – 273: Letter to Ellen

Dear Ellen,

My name is Paul Lambis and I am writing to you from the island of Cyprus, Europe.  Although we are unable to follow your show on any one of our local networks, I remain indebted to your website and YOUTUBE channel which highlight the wonderful things you do.  Your humility and warmth, combined with your extraordinary talent and humour are uplifting; it is during these trying times that one appreciates the importance of laughter.

I was born in Johannesburg, South Africa and relocated to Cyprus twelve years ago.  Since my arrival on the island, I have been working as a freelance writer for several local publications, and have written and produced my own theatrical plays.  In 2008, I was involved in a near-fatal car accident, which confined me to my bed for six months.  The doctors were unable to offer me any hope of walking, but my positive attitude trumped them in the end.  After an intense eighteen months of physiotherapy, I was able to stand on my own two feet, and face the world with an optimistic outlook on life. 

I was inspired to put pen-to-paper, and published my novel – an autobiography detailing my hilarious journey of contrasts, sharing my experiences and the healing powers of laughter.  What emerged from the book was a quote with which I have founded my beliefs on: “If you don’t laugh at life, life will laugh at you.”

In March this year, the financial crisis plagued the island of Cyprus, to the extent that thousands were left jobless, and those with work were forced to accept large pay cuts.  One of the sectors affected by this economic recession was the Performing Arts.  Despite our efforts to keep this industry alive, we are constantly confronted with closed doors, and often resort to scrounging outside large corporations for a small contribution.  It seems that the economic downturn has blindfolded most people from the importance of supporting the Arts.  If only people could see the significance of our industry, the professionalism and talent of its people, and what a difference theatre could make to enrich one’s own outlook on the world.  Perhaps my dream of a ‘Theatre Utopia’ might seem far-fetched, but I believe in making a difference, and I hope to be able to establish a financially-independent organisation in the near-future, that will support, provide work, encourage and expose the talent that Cyprus has to offer.

Thank you for making us laugh, and for supporting us in your own unique way.

Warm regards,

Paul Lambis

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis has written, and will be directing the riveting war drama “74”, based on the 1974 Turkish invasion of Cyprus. He is also the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts.  For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online, visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 243 – 257: A Powerful Production

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,

visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 225 – 242: Through the Director’s Eyes

As a director, one of the most daunting tasks is having to turn away a plethora of talented actors after an intense month of auditions.  When the casting call announcement was posted on the various social media sites, a flood of resumes surfaced on my desk – each one vying for a role in my upcoming war drama “74”.

As each potential candidate took to the stage, immersing themselves in their respective role, my assistant director and I realised that the proficient level of acting in Cyprus would not make the elimination process any easier.  My lengthy absence from blogging was largely due to the haunting hours spent in an enclosed part of my home, fighting through the copious evaluation forms submitted by my team of professionals.

And, after meticulous deliberation, the results were posted on Facebook amidst the jubilant cheers of the selected, and the disappointing cries of the precluded.  The marketing campaign had officially begun.

The weeks that followed saw a tide of professional emails flooding my inbox – the majority of which thanked me for the experience, and the opportunity given to them to audition for the production.  A small group of actors chose to voice their displeasure, not realising that such a response would categorise them as “avoidable”.  The level of immaturity, which is often revealed by the so-called “bad-sportsmanship”, was evident through the hidden innuendos concealed between the sentences; metaphorical figures of speech used to reveal their frustration of not being selected. 

But why should one care?  Surely Julia Roberts doesn’t call the director and blast him for his choice of another leading lady?  The acting game can easily be compared to a beauty pageant: only one winner can take the crown.

Perhaps one could ease the laws on a society which is, in my opinion, intimate? I think so; c'est la vie.

The creative juices are ripe.  I have just completed the script for a royal comedy titled “Divorced, Beheaded, Died… Divorced, Beheaded, Survived”. Based on the illustrious life of King Henry VIII, this royal comedy focuses on the Tudor king's royal appetite for the opposite sex, and the women who found themselves tangled in his lustful quest.

Prior to my explicit interpretation of Henry’s sex life, I will be directing a bio-drama based on the life of Aristotle Onassis.  Inspired by the true story of the relationships between the Promethean shipping magnate, his first wife Tina, his lover Maria Callas and second wife Jackie Kennedy, this is an extraordinary account of one man's voracious appetite for sex, money and power – how those with great wealth and political influence live their lives detached from the moral code and realities of ordinary mortals.

I’m almost certain that one would consider me a hypocrite.  I’ve babbled on about the silly innuendos implied by the agitated actors in their emails, but my overtones of sex are quite apparent in the scripts for my forthcoming dramas.  One might suggest a hint of “Fifty Shades of Grey”, but I don’t foresee any explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism.  Although, King Henry VIII’s marital indecisiveness could leave one thinking otherwise.  I’ll have to dwell on those thoughts for a while.  I’m not implying any sexual deprivation, but it’s reassuring knowing that the audience will observe everything through my eyes…

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 219 – 224: “What you see, is what you get.”

My Facebook timeline this morning declares that my start to the day was cataclysmic. I’m not implying that a tornado whip-lashed my car to the other side of the island, but I carelessly forgot my mobile phone on the charger; communication with the outside world has now come to an unexpected halt.

I spent the first part of the day bombarding the social media sites in order to fill the void, but the fact remains that an absent phone is as torturous as being caught publicly with your pants down.  One only realises how reliant one is to this indispensable form of communication.  I’m sitting on a bed of thorns, wondering if my phone has beeped without my knowing, humming its technical tunes of Facebook and inbox alerts.  What’s even more frustrating is that I am trying to locate the numbers of two talented individuals who have agreed to work with me on my upcoming production of “74”; my absence is suggesting a hint of unprofessionalism.

The drive to school this morning had me lecturing my son, yet again, on the principles of healthy eating.  His obsession for an Adonis figure has him skipping meals and submitting to an intense workout session of cardio exercises in his bedroom.  I’m convinced that beneath his drive of image consciousness, lies an interest in the form of a female classmate.  Although my son has never openly confessed his motives, the signs of infatuation are evident from the hearts squiggled on random pieces of paper scattered throughout the house, or the late-night Skype calls which require bedroom doors closed, and a lengthy pre-session of hair styling.

The consequences of starvation were addressed briefly as I swerved the car into one of the school’s parking bays. 

“Starvation will only encourage weight-gain,” I remarked as I pointed towards the permanent cushion of flab surrounding my waist.  Admittedly, the slogan on my briefcase screaming “I beat anorexia” did not encourage my argument, and I suggested that his [my son’s] mother would be more qualified to answer any concerns relating to exercise and nutrition.

And then, in a moment of father-son bliss, the boomerang question clouted me across the face, leaving me thoughtful and bewildered.

“Is mom happy with the way you look?”

My arrogance intervened as I defended by physique by saying, “What she sees is what she gets!” 

I bid my son farewell, and spent the next few minutes absorbed in a cloud of self-judgement. 

I've always believed that one should lead by example.  I’ve often quoted these scripted words from the bible to the squad of degenerates who manage the workplace.  My maturity should force me to take a stance, for once in my life, and bolt those urges of emotional eating.  But that infamous group of people trapped within my body are teaming up for their daily protest.  I’m feeling the urge to call my psychologist and ask for advice, but the reality lies with my infuriating mobile phone, held back by a wire in a socket at home.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 212 – 218: Conspiracy Theories

These are the golden days for conspiracy theorists. If you believed your government was spying on you, Edward Snowden’s revelations have shown you’re probably right. WikiLeaks and Bradley Manning laid bare a world in which the authorities routinely do one thing and say another. You may be paranoid, but they’re still out to get you — or at least to detain you at Heathrow Airport for questioning.

Now, just a week after the 16 years since a Mercedes plowed into a pillar in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel on August 31, 1997, depriving Britain of her People’s Princess and the young royals William and Harry of their mother, along comes a fresh allegation in the story that has generated more conspiracy theories than any other.

Scotland Yard announced that it is “scoping” new information about the Paris car crash that killed Diana, Princess of Wales and patron saint of conspiracy theorists. The claim surfaced during the trial of a member of Britain’s elite and secretive SAS army regiment; according to some reports, the estranged in-laws of a key witness told the military police that the witness had alleged SAS involvement in Diana’s death.

The circumstances of that death, though, have been exhaustively investigated, by the authorities in France and the U.K., most recently in the 90-day inquest at London’s Royal Courts of Justice that reached the conclusion in April 2008 that the Princess and her boyfriend Dodi Fayed had been “unlawfully killed.” The verdict highlighted the “gross negligence” of the driver Henri Paul, who died at the wheel and was found to have blood alcohol three times above the French legal limit, and of the paparazzi, whose reckless pursuit of the couple sparked the high-speed chase that ended in tragedy.

A quick internet search reveals a plethora of sites devoted to “exposing” Diana’s murder. A large and vociferous online community remains convinced, despite evidence to the contrary presented to the inquest, that the Queen’s former daughter-in-law was pregnant with Fayed’s child, provoking nebulous rings of vested interest at the heart of the British establishment into ordering her assassination to protect the monarchy. The more lurid versions of the tale claim the crash itself never happened (the Mercedes was dented in a car crusher; the Princess hijacked in the tunnel, forced into a vehicle masquerading as an ambulance and slaughtered). A surprisingly persistent meme depicts Diana as the victim of giant shape-shifting lizards that secretly control Britain. There are queries raised too about how and when a white Fiat Uno came into contact with the Mercedes, leaving paint traces, or whether Paul’s blood toxicology tallies with what is known of his last movements and usual habits, or why Diana’s seat belt was found not to work.

These queries seem sensible enough, and if we’ve learned anything from the whistle-blowers, hackers and leakers, it’s that the authorities don’t always tell the truth. But we knew that already. We may be in greater danger of forgetting that the authorities often do tell the truth too. Sometimes things are exactly as they seem: President Obama was born in Hawaii and Diana died in an accident, a victim not of unseen malefactors but of a collision between her desire for a private life and public fascination with her private life.

Scotland Yard — itself seeking to restore public trust after the twin blows of the News Corp phone-hacking scandal and the Jimmy Savile sex-abuse revelations revealed its tendency to protect the establishment rather than question it — has no choice but to evaluate the information it has received. To fail to do so would spark new conspiracies. Yet to divert more taxpayer money into a new inquiry also risks criticism. Hence the Yard’s carefully worded statement, which made clear: “This is not a reinvestigation.” Die-hard Diana conspiracists will be disappointed. They will always be disappointed.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAY 211: Salaries for Breadcrumbs

It’s the end of the month.  The optimistic tone which has mysteriously appeared in the office is largely due to the arrival of the long-awaited paycheck. 

For a brief moment, I was hopeful that the powers that be had finally figured out an exhilarating motivational plan which would encourage the team to fight for the company’s survival.  But the reality soon hits us in the face when one realises that it’s just another day in an abysmal working world, battling through the tedious hours of internet surfing, while an argument ensues over who will answer the telephone – unaware that it has been ringing for over a minute.

I take a break from my ‘overwhelming’ work schedule, and open my salary slip.  The amount highlighted at the bottom of the sheet conjures up feelings of anger, dissatisfaction and bitter revenge.  Since March 2013, the Cyprus banking catastrophe has forced management to seize a portion of my salary, justifying the cut due to the”economic crisis”.  The banks had willingly offered a breathing period on all personal loans, but now that the ‘honeymoon’ is over, I am forced to meet my commitments with a salary, sufficient to see me through the first week of the month.

The escalating costs of living combined with the annoying arrogance that “one needs to be greatful for one’s job – especially during these trying times,” has me walking barefoot on a bed of burning coal.  And, despite the advice of “muteness” received from a group of close friends, I feel the need to voice my annoyance in the form of a protest.  After all, one should never have to sweat, unless one is getting paid for it. In the non-prostitute sense, of course.

After the first week of mortgage payments, life insurances, school supplies, utility bills and the odd trip to the local McDonalds, I find myself home-bound with a surplus of cash enough to purchase a packet of breadcrumbs.  But for some strange reason, my weight manages to remain constant, unopposed by the lack of funds in the bank account.  The war brewing in the Middle East has my wife stocking on tinned foods, cleaning supplies and copious amounts of water bottles, in the event of a possible apocalyptic showdown. 

The news networks zone into Israel and the crowds of people lining the streets for their complimentary gas masks. As military build up continues ahead of a possible Western strike against Assad, the United Kingdom sends Typhoon fighter jets to Cyprus.  Russia has parked a fleet of warships in the Mediterranean, Turkey is backing the Syrian opposition and rebels, France and Germany are threatening punishment, and Cyprus is rejoicing over a local football team’s advancement into the group stages of the Europa League.

But that infamous paycheck is staring at me from beyond the torn envelope.  The appalling amount has warranted a series of threats, and if management does not comply, I see myself waging a different type of war.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 209 – 210: Are we on the brink of War?

"War" is defined as a long standing armed conflict between two or more groups over resources, land, cultural differences, or other matters of contention. It is usually instigated following a public declaration of war, but undeclared wars are quite common in the form of surprise attacks. War is considered different from murder or genocide, because of the organisation of the participants. The interesting thing, however, is that warfare is one of the few global/universal concepts – almost every culture in recorded history has had some concept of warfare, and has risen or fallen due to war.

“Britain risks sleep-walking into a full-scale war by launching missile strikes against Syria,” former top brass warned last night.

Retired commanders cautioned that an ill-thought-out attack against President Assad’s brutal regime could provoke revenge attacks at home and abroad.

Lord West of Spithead, a former First Sea Lord, General Lord Dannatt, a former head of the British Army, and Major General , a commander during the first Gulf War, all warned of the “unintended consequences” of a military campaign.

It also emerged that Israel was taking precautions against a possible Syrian attack, including bolstering missile defences and handing out gas masks to civilians. A coalition spearheaded by the US, Britain and France is preparing to punish Assad for allegedly gassing to death hundreds of innocent people last week.

Defence chiefs favour a strike against important military installations, including airbases, arms dumps and communications hubs, using long-range cruise missiles fired from warships or submarines amassing in the Mediterranean.

The hope is that the attacks will deter Assad from using chemical weapons and make it more difficult for him to launch them in future.

But military grandees fear David Cameron and his allies might unwittingly escalate Syria’s civil war into a regional conflict in the Middle East, or even a proxy Cold War with Damascus’s key ally, Russia.

Assad might also be goaded into retaliating against UK bases in Cyprus. And a missile strike might encourage extremists to bring bloodshed to the streets of Britain.

Lord West, a former head of the Navy, said ministers should try to get Russia and China to agree to condemn Assad’s chemical attacks in a UN Security Council Resolution.

“We are moving inextricably towards military action. A strike might be a rap across the knuckles for Assad but will that be enough to make him stop? I have have very severe doubts. If he is deranged enough to have used chemical weapons on his own people, which is a loathsome thing, what is he likely to do if we strike against key targets in Syria? He might do something as mad as fire ballistic missiles against the air base in Cyprus. That then becomes an attack on a Nato ally, an attack on British sovereign territory, and that means war, doesn’t it?”

Lord West  added: “Politicians think they can control these things, but once you embark on military operations you cannot predict what will happen. We need to be very clear on our game plan – what, at the end, is going to make our nation and the globe more secure, and ideally help the Syrian people.”

Of any military strike’s consequences, Lord West said: “Iran has said if anything happened it would unleash terrorist attacks, so you might have some reprisals here.”

Lord Dannatt questioned the legality and purpose of the proposed military strike, describing the plans as inappropriate.

He said Assad’s probable use of chemical weapons, however wrong, did “not constitute an open invitation for the international community to impose themselves on the internal affairs of another country.”

The general, who headed the British intervention in Kosovo in 1999, said an intervention could result in “fuelling the conflict and making it worse.”

General Cordingley, who led the Desert Rats during the liberation of Kuwait, said: “There is a danger Assad will retaliate against us. More widely, yet again people in the Arab world will say the West is dropping more bombs on the Middle East. It might not heighten the threat of terrorism at home, but it certainly will do nothing to reduce it.”

Syrian prime minister Wael al-Halqi responded to the threat of military intervention by warning his war-torn country would become a “graveyard of the invaders.”

And a Syrian army officer has claimed Assad could use kamikaze pilots to combat Western forces.

The unnamed officer told a British newspaper that, in the event of an attack by the US and Britain, the Syrian army had eight-thousand “suicide martyrs” who would give their lives to bring down warplanes.

“I myself am ready to blow myself up against US aircraft carriers to stop them attacking Syria and its people,” he said.

Questions and Answers

Would bombing Syria be lawful?

Britain and the US insist it would be, but the truth is far from clear. It’s hard to see how Syria’s reported chemical attacks against its own citizens present a direct threat to either country.

What specific laws or UN conventions might be used as justification?

The UN Charter allows for military action on only two grounds – in self-defence, or if action is approved by the UN Security Council. Neither applies here.  Russia has made clear its intention to veto any proposed Security Council resolution authorising action – as has China.

Can a military strike be legal without a UN resolution?

Unclear. In 1999, the Nato bombing campaign against Serbia was launched without one, with Tony Blair and President Clinton seeking to justify it on humanitarian grounds to protect Kosovan civilians.

The intervention was widely welcomed, but its legality was questionable. A similar humanitarian argument is being used to defend intervention in Syria.

If President Assad is proved to have launched poison gas attacks on his own people, he will be in breach of the Geneva Gas Protocol, an international agreement dating back to 1925 – to which Syria is a signatory – banning the use of chemical weapons.

But breaching the protocol doesn’t provide a clear justification for military action and it normally applies to international conflicts, rather than civil wars.

Does the UN have a ‘Responsibility to Protect’ the Syrians?

In 2005, following the hideous atrocities committed in Rwanda and Bosnia in the 1990s, the UN brought forward an initiative called the “Responsibility to Protect.”

It was designed to protect the innocent from genocide, war crimes and ethnic cleansing and places a duty on individual states to prevent such horrors within their borders, and an obligation to intervene if they see it elsewhere.

But former UN assistant Secretary-General, Francesc Vendrell, says the doctrine does not necessarily justify the use of force.

All diplomatic efforts must have been tried first, and even then military intervention requires the backing of the Security Council – taking David Cameron and President Obama back to square one.

Does the PM need Parliamentary backing for a bombing campaign?

Technically, no. He retains the power, under Royal Prerogative, to use military force without Parliamentary approval.

However, all recent major military interventions – including the wars in Iraq and Libya  – have been preceded by a Commons vote. The Government has made clear it will “respect the outcome’ of tonight’s.”

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 204 – 208: Lyrics for a Song

“Lights, Camera, Action!”

The script is ready, crew is in place, casting auditions scheduled, and I am on the verge of launching a riveting theatrical war drama in 2014, which will showcase, yet again, the extraordinary talent that belongs to the island of Cyprus.

As each day passes, I am greeted with a wave of optimism that justifies the purpose of my production; a plethora of Cypriot actors, musicians, choreographers and producers are knocking on my door, pledging their support for what they believe is a successful formula of awareness.  My intentions for staging the show entirely in the English language will also provide the perfect platform to convey the messages of hope and re-unification of our island, on an international level.

The fact that Cyprus remains a divided island after four decades of Turkish occupation is an indication that our work is far from complete.  As a Cypriot, born in a foreign country, I was reminded on an annual basis that the Cyprus Conflict existed; it was my patriotic duty to create awareness of this issue and play my part as a ‘protestor’ against the oppression.  A theatrical drama might not resolve the conflict, but it will convey messages of hope and inspiration.

And, as my creative juices worked themselves into overtime, my hope and inspiration emerged through a poem I had written, dedicated to my dream of a united Cyprus.  But how does one manage to transform this dream into reality? 

The light above my head finally blinked one evening as I observed the sun setting from my bedroom window.  Working feverishly on my laptop, a sea of paper scattered on the couch next to me, my wife entered the room and turned the radio on.  A sense of patriotism re-emerged as the hi-fi transmitted one of the most passionate pieces of music by an internationally-acclaimed Cypriot composer.  My eyes began to water, as I sipped my coffee and watched the sun fading over the horizon.  I realised that my angels had been instructed by the Divine to create an evocative and romantic work of art before me. And, in a moment of majestic euphoria, I was inspired to use my poem as lyrics to a song for peace.

After countless emails to renowned composers and musicians, their replies began to filter one-by-one with positive and encouraging messages of participation.  A simple poem was now mushrooming into an official theme song for my production, promising to unite my cast with a superb team of international Cypriot talent singing “United for Cyprus – Together we shall stand”. I can hardly wait.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com

DAYS 201 – 203: Toned Bodies, and Summer Snapshots

Almost every magazine I look at these days spurts out a herd of photos with contented people, flaunting their bodies in a soiree of colourful, yet skimpy bikinis or figure-hugging swim trunks.

The titles above these pages suggest some sort of joyful escapade, provoking emotions of envy and low self-esteem.  Although I pretend to overlook these ‘distasteful’ images of happiness, I find myself rewinding back to the beginning of the magazine, analysing each pose and smile, while my subconscious is screaming for me to remove my tardy behind off the couch and head outside for a five kilometre run. Stat.

My publicist is an avid health-freak.  I am inspired by her willingness to adhere to a sensible health routine and her stringent laws for healthy eating, but I’m finding it difficult to be motivated by a sesame snack that mollifies my hunger pains for five minutes, and leaves me tooth-picking my teeth of sesame seeds, trapped between my dentures, for the next thirty minutes.

But the group of people in the magazine, posing confidently near some beach bar with their hands raised jubilantly in the air, presumably overlook the half-an-hour sesame seed flossing session, as they prioritise well being and fitness over a double-decker cheese and bacon burger.

The result, of course, is a photo opportunity in one of the colourful lifestyle magazines, dotted around the island – available at every corner kiosk.  Their rise to fame is relied solely on their motivation to be idolised by us common folk who worship their bodies as if they were gods.

A recent survey suggests that our bikini and swim trunk models are suffering from a huge lack of self-esteem, with only one percent believing they are beautiful.  I’ve often believed that beauty is skin-deep, but unfortunately in my case, one would have to plough through a mountain of blubbery layers to discover it. And, in order to conceal my unsightly folds of flab, I am compelled to order my “custom-designed swimsuit” from an American website that caters for the “extra-large individuals” of this world.

So, I’ve narrowed it down to two options: first, if I adhere to my publicist’s rigorous nutritional programme, I will end up posing with the other demigods in next summer’s lifestyle magazines, or second, to continue on the path of burger-eating unrighteousness and keep ordering a larger-sized swim trunk with every season.

More than likely, I would have to refrain from the latter, and pre-warn my senses that an apple for my mid-morning snack is the only option available.  And since I’m on this protest path, I’m warning all those toned bodies in this year’s summer snapshots, that they’d better make room for me.

Weight for me soon. Paul

Paul Lambis is the author of “Where is Home?” – A journey of hilarious contrasts. 
For more information on Paul Lambis, and to order his book online,
visit www.paul-lambis.com