On
the surface, it may seem I have suffered from a severe case of writer’s block
for more than fifty days; my lengthy absence from the blogging scene has
brought on a tidal wave of emails, most of which are questioning my existence
on Mother Earth. I am alive!
I’ve
thrown myself into a sea of paperwork. I’m
working feverishly to rid myself of any excess administrative work as I enter
the final phase of rehearsals, deadlines, expressive outbursts and rivers of
caffeine… The theatrical production of “74” is scheduled to premiere in Cyprus
on the 19th February 2014.
I
kick-started the new year under the mystical chimes of Big Ben. New Year’s Eve in London is certainly the
most effective way to celebrate the riddance of what was, the most disastrous
year in the history of Cyprus. 2014 has
armed me against all negativity, despite the fact that my recent battle of the
bulge saw me defeated through the bouroughs of London’s gourmet street
markets. My daily routine would start
off with a respectable serving of brown toast and low-fat cheese spread. Within
two hours, I would find myself queuing up for a waffle or crepe, dunked in a
bottle of hazelnut chocolate spread, and then heading off to the pie and pastry
stand for another mid-morning fiesta. No
comment.
I’m
back on a low-calorie diet of shakes and soups.
I’m hoping my appearance on stage will resemble the part of a distraught
soldier in my war drama, but I’m feeling more like an ogre these days;
hopefully the audience won’t mistake my appearance with Shrek’s.
On
a lighter note, I stumbled across a humorous ‘message’ from The Queen, and I
thought I would share it with you: (I
hope my American friends will forgive me…)
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States
of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent
years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David
Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British
Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as
U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u''
and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be
celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal
issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so
many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be
independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not
ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.
6. All intersections will be replaced
with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help
you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices
on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get
used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you
insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth
and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required
occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a
game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e.
tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at
4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality
biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS:
Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Weight
for me soon. Paul
